


The Closest Is An Infinitive Distance

by JellyfishPoetry



Series: The Closest Is An Infinitive Distance [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Sheith Month 2017, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:24:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 43,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellyfishPoetry/pseuds/JellyfishPoetry
Summary: Shiro isn’t exactly thrilled by the idea of being a mentor, but there’s no way he can turn down Iverson’s request if he wants to have a career at the Garrison one day. It doesn’t help that his mentee seems to be exactly what Matt suspected: an undisciplined, rude, spoiled brat.  Grudgingly, Shiro takes over the task anyway. He’s in for a surprise, as Keith is nothing like he’s suspected. They quickly find common ground and it seems like there’s a connection between them that grows stronger with every step in their friendship.This is a series of short connected stories written for Sheith month. Soo… basically one long story where each chapter is (more or less loosely) based on the prompts (can I say explain it any more complicated?).Day 1-20 pre-Kerberos, 21-31 post-Kerberosnewest:Day 20: RocketDay 21: SacrificeDay 23: FutureDay 24: HorrorDay 25: GladiolusDay 26: PiratesDay 27/28: knowledge (or) deathDay 29: PresentDay 31: Promise





	1. "Yes, sir!"

Shiro stared at his breakfast as if his porridge had offended him. It didn’t help his mood, that Matt wouldn’t stop laughing at him since Commander Iverson had left the room. 

“Are you done yet?” He asked in a monotone. 

“I’m so sorry,” Matt wheezed. “It’s just.. no, actually I’m not sorry. You brought this on yourself.”

“How?” Shiro looked at him with a pained expression. “All I do is trying to be a good student.”

“All I do is trying to be a good student,” Matt mocked. “You’re the first one in the training rooms and the last one to leave. And when you’re not in the training room, you’re sitting in the library, studying for your advanced classes. Seriously, Shiro. That’s what you get from being the golden boy”

“Not true,” Shiro grumbled, which earned him a snort from Matt. “Anyway.. Even _if_ it was true, shouldn’t I be rewarded for my efforts instead of being punished?”

Matt expression changed in an instant to a serious one. “Well, put it like that: Iverson thinks highly of you. I get told so every day by my father, thank you very much, but even a blind man would notice. And it’s not just him. Practically everyone wants you to do well here. I guess that’s some kind of training exercise. To rise up the ranks, you have to help young cadets or whatever.. and Iverson trusts you to put this kid’s life back on track.”

“I don’t get why he even bothers.” Shiro took a sip from his orange juice. “Do you remember Zoe?”

“Who?”

“Exactly. She didn’t know how to behave either, so she got kicked out during her first year. So what’s so different about this one?”

“I can ask my father later what he did exactly to get his ass kicked by Iverson like that.. or why he bothers to keep him around. My guess? He either is the son of another high-ranking Commander or he got a shitload of talent.”

“I hope for the latter. I’m not sure I can stand to be around another spoiled brat.” Shiro winked at him and Matt stuck out his tongue. Matt’s father _was_ a high-ranking Commander at the Garrison, though he was as hardworking as any other student. Shiro didn’t even know Commander Holt was his father until they’d happened to meet him in one of the training rooms months after they’d started hanging out. There were others, though.. kids that thought they were special because their parents had made themselves a name. 

“Maybe he’s not that bad,” Matt said thoughtfully. ”And if he really is that bad.. Well, you could do with some bad influence.” He grinned at him. They’d been friends since Shiro first came to the Garrison. Both highly ambitious, it didn’t take long for them to team up in most classes and then start to hang out in their free time. Over all their similarities, they were still very different. While Shiro was content staying at the facility most of the time, Matt sometimes envied other teenager’s of their wild and carefree lives. More than once he’d tried to coax Shiro into breaking some minor rules, like leaving the facility on a Saturday night - which everybody did from time to time - to go clubbing. Shiro was not the kind to be easily persuaded and most of the time, Matt had to go alone, but he didn’t have it in him to be mad at his friend. It was just who he was. Not that Shiro avoided social interaction or didn’t like them. He wasn’t shy. It was just that he had a dream and he was ready to do anything to make it come true. 

“I’m too young to be anyone’s mentor.” Shiro whined, picking at his scrambled eggs absentmindedly. 

“Stop complaining. I’m sure you’ll be a great mentor.”

“We’ll see,” Shiro said with a deep sigh.

~~~

Shiro waited in front of Iverson’s office later that day. He still wasn’t sure what to make of this whole mentorship thing. Maybe Matt was right and it was a sign of Iverson’s trust and an opportunity to show his qualities of a.. what? Teacher? Leader? Shiro didn’t know.  
What he did know was that the end of the school year was approaching fast and the next one would be his last as a student at the Garrison. The best five percent of every class had the opportunity to apply as a crew member for an upcoming space exploration. And Shiro was anxious to get chosen.. especially because this time, it would be a very special mission..

Shiro looked up as he heard footsteps coming his way. Only a few seconds later, Commander Iverson rounded the corner with his usual aura of arrogance. It was a trait often seen in military facilities and Shiro hoped that, even though he was aiming for a career as a pilot for the Garrison, he’d never be seen as intimidating and disagreeable by his future students. Shiro noticed that Iverson wasn’t alone. Behind him trailed a boy with black hair and a scowl on his face. Shiro tried to hide his surprise. He thought today’s meeting would be about setting goals for his mentorship, not getting introduced to his mentee.. 

“Cadet Shirogane,” Iverson greeted and Shiro saluted dutifully. The boy’s face darkened even more. Shiro suppress a scowl of his own. He’d had his fair share of teenagers with authority problems. Every time he went home, his friends would make fun of him for being in this facility.They bowed and saluted and mocked him about cleaning boots with his tongue.. But they were far away, pursuing different careers. _This boy_ , though, had obviously _chosen_ to be here. The Garrison wasn’t a ‘I don’t know what else to do’ kind of school. It was hard to get in and even harder to stay in. So in his opinion, this boy had no right to silently judge him for following the Garrison’s rules and ways.

“This is Cadet Kogane. We’ve talked about your new task earlier. I trust you to help him accommodate. And I trust _you_ Kogane, to listen to your fellow student.”

“Of course, _sir_ ,” Cadet Kogane answered in such a mocking way Shiro couldn’t help but stare at him. This boy had the audacity to just stand there, with that seemingly omnipresent scowl, looking reading to fight the whole world. _Why_ he was ready to fight someone in a facility made to help him build a career was beyond Shiro. It surprised him that his words hadn’t triggered one of Iverson’s infamous hissy fits, either. Instead, the Commander seemed to have just chosen to ignore him.

“I will see you tomorrow in class.” Were Iverson’s last words to Shiro before he left, pointedly not looking at the young Cadet behind him. 

“Well, then…” Shiro said, not sure how to start. He’d never mentored someone before after all. What did a mentor do?

“I’m Shiro,” he said, deciding that a proper introduction was probably a good first step. 

Kogane raised an eyebrow. “Shiro Shirogane?” 

Shiro chuckled. “No.. My full name is Takashi Shirogane, but everyone just calls me Shiro. I suppose it’s easier.”

“Keith.”

“What?”

“My name is Keith.” He rolled his eyes. “Or you can keep calling me cadet Kogane, if that fits someone like you better.”

“What do you mean, someone like me?”

“Someone’s clearly up for the position of a future Commander.” The last word was practically spat and somehow, it riled Shiro up. The Garrison had become his home over the last few years and he intended to stay and work here after he graduated. Being a Commander was nothing to frown upon, but his old friends were making fun of him enough as it was. He didn’t need some random dude adding to that. Matt was right, the kid was probably just some rich Commander’s son, being forced into the Garrison, hence his problems with everyone with a military rank.  
Shiro took a calming breath before he spoke again. 

“Look, I don’t know why you’re here if it’s all so unbearable, but some of us have goals, ok? So I suggest you either start showing some respect for the people here at the Garrison or stand up to your parents and tell them to send you somewhere else.”

Keith glared at him. 

“Is that clear?” 

“Yes, _sir_!”


	2. Hades

Shiro checked his phone for the third time. According to the plan Iverson had given him this morning, he was supposed to meet Keith at the library for a studying session at 2 p.m. It was 2:15 and still, no trace of Keith. Shiro huffed in annoyance. Their first meeting yesterday had proved that this whole mentor thing wasn’t about to get easy. Keith was like a hissing cat, constantly glaring and - probably - not the brightest student on campus. Why else would Iverson send him to the library to study with him? Not only would Shiro have to deal with his obvious anger issues, he would also need to teach him the basics of what the students in Keith’s year were supposed to know. Mentally, Shiro already prepared for an argument about why _he_ wouldn’t write Keith’s assignments for him.  
How long was he supposed to be this guy’s mentor anyway?  
What if he couldn’t ‘put his life back on track’ as Matt had put it? Would Iverson be disappointed? Would it affect his careers adversely?  
How was he supposed to make this work if Keith didn’t cooperate? And could Shiro really be blamed if he didn’t?

Another look at his phone confirmed that five minutes had passed and Shiro decided that Keith could suck it. Spending an hour with Keith today would mean that he would get behind his own schedule anyway and he’d already wasted a good twenty minutes waiting for him.  
He would sit down in the library and read for a while, then later talk to Iverson about Keith not showing up. He was willing to mentor the guy, but he couldn’t force him. Right?  
Still, the churning feeling in his stomach gave him a clear message: he was afraid to fail, to let the Garrison down..

Shiro wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. He wouldn’t let some spoiled brat ruin his career before it even began. He would go into the library and later visit Keith and have a serious word with him. Maybe then, they could start a new try tomorrow.

Pocketing his phone, he entered the quiet of the library. He knew Matt was making fun of him for practically living here when he wasn’t in one of the training rooms, but Shiro liked the atmosphere of the library. He liked the distant smell of books, the big tables with enough space to work on and the cool air that circled the rooms.. It gave him enough room to _think_ , to concentrate or to let his mind wander if necessary.  
Usually, he sat on a desk in the middle of the room, but today, they’d already been taken by other students. Shiro silently thanked Keith for that, since it was his fault he was being late in the first place, and walked to the desks that stood on the far end of the room. It was a bit dim back here from the bookshelves blocking the light from the windows, but he could live with that. So he sat down, laid out his papers, pencils and books and when he looked up… suddenly there he was.

Keith. Sitting at a desk not far from him, apparently absorbed in a book. Shiro stared at him nonplussed. He’d just wasted twenty minutes of his precious time to wait for Keith while he had already been in the library. Keith was staring intently at the open book, a slight frown on his face while he scribbled something into a notebook.  
And just then, Shiro felt his shoulders relax as his anger slowly slipped away from him. At least his apprehension that Keith was a lazy student was clearly unfounded. Keith was _trying_ and that was something Shiro felt able to work with. If Keith was willing to work with him. 

Silently, he got up from his desk and walked over to Keith’s desk.

“Hi,” he greeted. Keith jumped, his pen-mine breaking on the paper under the sudden pressure put on it.When his eyes focused on Shiro, he could see something akin to fear in them for only a moment before Keith caught himself.

“Oh…” Was all he said at first.

“I didn’t want to startle you,” Shiro said gently. “I was waiting outside for you.”

“I’m.. sorry?” Keith said clearly flustered. He brushed the broken pieces of his pencil away with the back of his hand before looking up at Shiro. “I.. how late is it?”

Shiro didn’t need to look at his phone. “Almost 2:30.”

Keith cursed under his breath. “I’m really sorry. I’ve been here for an hour and lost track of time. I’d have sent you a message to look for me inside, but I don’t have your number.”

Shiro stared at Keith for a moment. Was this the person he’d met yesterday? The boy who’d been aggressive and rude? Looking at Keith now, he was nothing like that. He was almost.. shy. His shoulders were tense and his hand was gripping this pencil so hard his knuckles had turned white. Last night he’d looked ready to fight. Today, though, he almost seemed afraid. Shiro couldn’t make sense of it and it had him at a loss for how to act around Keith. 

“What are you reading?” He asked, just to fill the threatening silence between them with _something_.

Keith frowned at him, then looked down at his book. “it’s about Hades and other Greek Gods.”

“That’s an interesting topic.”

Keith sighed. “It is. It feels like I’m wasting my time, though.”

“What program are you in?”

“Piloting.”

“Well, then it’s not a waste of your time at all.” Shiro smiled at him.

“ _Why_?”

“I guess you have professor Hale in astronomy. He usually lets you read about the mystical name givers of our planets.”

“As far as I remember, there’s no planet named Hades.” Keith deadpanned.

“No,” Shiro chuckled lightly. “But there’s Pluto.”

“What does Pluto have to do with that?”

“Hades is the Greek equivalent to Pluto. As Zeus is to Jupiter and Poseidon to Neptune.”

“Really?” Keith groaned. “Thank you. You just saved my brain cells from trying to commit suicide. _Why_ didn’t professor Hale tell us?”

It was more of a rhetorical question, but Shiro still answered. “He likes his students to figure stuff out themselves.”  
“So.. Hades, huh?” Keith eyes him curiously. “Sounds like you’re kind of an expert in that field.”  
“Not really.” Shiro laughed. “I just thought it was interesting. I think Hades and Pluto stuck with me the most because it was the first time people were talking about the Kerberos mission that’s about to start next year.”

“Kerberos?”

“One of Pluto's moons?”

“I know that. But what does that have to do with Hades.”

“It was his hell hound.. thing.”

“I thought that was Cerberus with a C.”

“Well, yes. But in Greek, it’s called Kerberos. I guess they still would have called the moon Cerberus but there was already an asteroid with that name. Hence Kerberos.”

Keith nodded thoughtfully.

“Thank you for.. saving my brain cells and stuff. And..I’m.. sorry. For my behaviour yesterday, I mean. I was angry and you.. didn’t deserve it.”

“You shouldn’t blow up at people like this. I admit that I was pretty annoyed by what happened yesterday. But.. I know first hand that anger is not an easy thing to master.” Keith glanced up at him at his words. “So.. If that’s ok with you, I’d like to forget about our rocky start yesterday and try anew.”

“I’d like that.” A tentative smile. Shiro held out his hand for Keith to shake it, which he did without hesitation. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too.”

They smiled at each other, though Shiro noticed that Keith quickly averted his eyes. 

“So.. Piloting, huh?” He asked to help chase away the beginning awkwardness. Piloting was one of the prestige programs at the Garrison. It wasn’t easy to get into it without any actual talent so even if Matt was correct and Keith came from a family with a high ranking Commander, he must have at least _some_ skill. “I’m a pilot myself. Fighting class.”

Keith glanced at him with a tiny smile on his face before he looked down at his book once more.

“I know,” he said. “Everybody here knows who you are.”

Shiro chuckled, a bit embarrassed. “Well.. I don’t know about that.”  
“I do.” Keith looked up at him with a serious expression now, holding eye contact. “You excelled in all of your classes, you actually broke some records in your second year and there are rumours that _you’ll_ be the pilots for the upcoming Kerberos mission.“

“Yeah, I’ve heard of those rumours.” Shiro scratched the back of his head. “Some kid must have planted it.”

“Maybe.” Keith smiled. “But maybe not. If you go to Kerberos, you can say hi from me to Hades.”

“I will. I hope there will be no God of the underworld sitting nearby, waiting for me, though.” Shiro returned with a smirk.

“You never know.”


	3. Scars

Over the first week, they settled an easy rhythm of studying in the library. Iverson had assigned Shiro to help Keith preparing for his exams first and foremost before he was supposed to do anything else, but it became quickly apparent that Keith didn’t really need much help. Aside from a few occasional questions, they mostly sat in the library in silence, both noses deep in their own books. Shiro had actually come enjoy not being alone in the library. In the past, he’d sometimes studied with Matt, but Matt was kind of a night owl, while Shiro liked to finish his reading before dinner. Keith seemed to share that preference. 

During their short breaks, Shiro tried to engage Keith in small talk - and he always answered, politely, though often a bit vague. So far, he only knew that Keith had wanted to become a pilot since he was a child and grew up not that far away. He thought the food in the cafeteria edible and found it nice that he didn’t have to share a room with someone else right now because his last roommate was kind of a mess. But that was about it.   
It didn’t bother Shiro. If Keith prefered to keep things private, that was fine with him. He was supposed to be his mentor, after all, not his best friend. 

No, it didn’t bother him at all. Until..  
“How did you learn to fight like this?” Shiro panted while he stared at Keith in surprise. They were in the training room for the first time today and it hadn’t taken Keith five minutes to throw Shiro on the training mat.

Keith shrugged his shoulders. “My dad showed me.” A tiny glimpse into his life. Never before had Keith mentioned any member of his family. 

“Is he some kind of military super fighter? Do I know him?”

Keith turned his face away from Shiro. “No and no.” His voice was clipped. 

“Come on, Keith. I wouldn’t hold it against you if your father _was_ some high ranking Commander or General.”

“You wouldn’t hold it against me if he _was_..” Keith stared at him suddenly in bewilderment. “You..” He shook his head and looked at the floor again. “You are a strange man, Shiro.”

“The good kind of strange, I hope,” Shiro quipped, though he didn’t really feel like it. Something about Keith’s reaction was off, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on it. 

Keith gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and Shiro decided to let the topic rest. With a grunt, he pushed himself up.. and winched.

“Ow.. I think I might have pulled a muscle there. Maybe we should stop with the training exercise and head for the pool?”

“You know, you can just say if you’re scared to lose against me again.”

“Me? Never. Also it’s pretty obvious I let you win.”

Keith huffed a laugh.

“Ok, ok. Beginner’s luck?”

“ _Hardly._ ”

~~~

“It’s from an accident.”

“Huh?” 

“The scar.”

They were both sitting on the rim of the pool after a heated swim race - which Shiro had won - trying to catch their breath. He’d noticed Keith glancing at the scar right under his rip cage more than once. Now, he looked away in embarrassment. “I’m.. sorry. I didn’t mean to stare.”

“It’s ok.” Shiro gave an encouraging smile. “It’s s part of me. I don’t mind.” Maybe this was a moment for them. An opportunity to share something of himself which would maybe cause Keith to open up some more. 

_Why do I even care?_

“Do you want to know the story behind it?”

Keith rubbed both his hands over his face, trying to get the water out of his eyes. “Only if you care to share. I understand if it’s too much. You barely know me.”

“You’re right, but how are we supposed to get to know each other better if I don’t tell you things about myself?” Shiro almost bit his tongue at his own words. Was it too much? Too forward? But Keith only shrugged his shoulders in response a little awkwardly, seemingly without taking offense.

“Ok. So.. long story short: I got into a fight with a few kids and one of them stabbed me.”

“What?” Keith’s head swiveled around to look at Shiro. “You just said it was an accident!”

“Well, I like to believe he didn’t _want_ to stab me. I think I startled him.”

“What were you fighting about?”

“It was some stupid kid stuff I don’t really remember anymore. It escalated when he said my sister was lucky to be dead so he didn’t have to deal with some idiot brother.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.”

Keith fidgeted. “What happened?”

“Car accident. I was pretty young when it happened.”

Keith nodded. “Must have been hard.”

“It was. Especially for my parents. You know.. my mum thinks she’d be a bad mother if she didn’t mourn my sister every day. She rarely smiles up to this day and my dad.. well, my mum at least talks, but my dad is a totally different story. He goes to work, comes home.. he functions, but he barely lives.”

“Sounds like you were living with ghosts,” Keith almost whispered. 

“That puts it quite accurately. It although felt like I was supposed to become a ghost. I was barely there and everything I did.. they always made it about my sister, you know? An A in math? My sister would be so proud of me! Math was one of her favourite classes. Do you remember?” Shiro sighed. “It was hard. I was often angry, sometimes at her. I blamed her for dying, for not driving more carefully. For making mom and dad sad. The older I got, the more my anger grew.. and.. I got into a lot of fights. Lucky for me, though, I only got stabbed once.” Shiro chuckled. 

Keith didn’t seem as amused at Shiro’s joke as he was himself. His brows were furrowed in concentration, instead, as if he was thinking hard about what he had just been told.   
Then, very tentatively, he opened his right hand and showed his palm to Shiro. It was decorated with a thick scar Shiro had never noticed before. 

“Ow, that must have been painful.”

Keith nodded and Shiro could see him swallow hard. “It was.”

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I got accused of stealing. This was supposed to teach me not to do it again.”

“Wow..” It was on Shiro to stare now. “Did your parents do that?”

“No,” Keith pressed through his teeth. Shiro felt like he was walking on thin ice, here. 

“No matter who did this to you, they didn’t have any right to do this. Even if you _did_ steal something.” 

Keith looked at his own hand, his lips pressed into a thin line. Shiro could practically feel the change of air around him, see the wall being built up again. He watched, as Keith pushed off the pool’s rim and dove into the water. For a moment, he contemplated following but something told him to wait, to let Keith have some time for himself. So he just sat there and watched Keith. Keith, who had been hurt badly in the past by someone he didn’t talk about. Keith, who prefered to hide behind his walls, who spat and hissed in anger when provoked, while at the same time was shy and fearful. Although Shiro just had had a small glimpse of who Keith was, he had the feeling that the two of them shared some scars, even though they were in different places or invisible. 

No, it didn’t bother him that Keith preferred to keep some things to himself. But right now, he yearned to be the one to look behind those carefully build walls someday.


	4. Freedom

“Keith? Are you in there?” It was a stupid question. Of course, he was in there. He wasn’t _allowed_ to be anywhere else. But his knock had been left unanswered. 

“Shiro?” Tentatively. 

Shiro sighed in relief. It was the first time he’d heard Keith’s voice in three days - at first, he had thought he had been actively avoided after their talk by the pool.. until he’d learned the truth.

“Can you let me in?”

There was a pause. “Can’t.” Keith’s voice sounded hoarse and Shiro wasn’t sure if the effect was caused by the thick door only. 

“Course, sorry.” Shiro leaned his forehead against the cold metal of the door. “I meant.. Can I come in? I have the key.”

It took Keith a moment to answer his question with a simple ‘ok’. Shiro straightened up and fiddled with the keys Iverson’s intern had given him earlier. How the guy had gotten into this position was beyond Shiro (Matt suspected a high ranking father – again), as rules obviously didn’t mean a thing to him. Right now, though, he was happy that he’d had been in the General’s office and not Iverson. 

When he heard the tiny click that suggested that the door had been unlocked, Shiro faltered for a moment. He’d only known Keith for a short while. They were nowhere close to being friends, right? What was he doing here? Was he even prepared for a situation like this? He had no idea in what condition Keith was right now after all or how he’d react. Who would wait behind this door? Angry or shy Keith?  
Then he remembered the look in Keith’s eyes after he’d told him the story behind his scar. How badly he’d been hurt, how scared and alone he’d looked. It was all Shiro needed to find his courage. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open… and was instantly hit by a wave of stale air. 

“Ugh, oh my god, Keith. It smells like someone died in here.”

Keith sat on the bed, glancing up at him, the left side of his face hidden. “Iverson locked up the windows. He was afraid I’d run away.”

“What? You’re on the fourth floor!” 

Keith only shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his hands. “I didn’t say it makes sense. I just said he did it.”

Shiro took a few long strides through Keith’s room, keys in hand. “That’s insane,” he mumbled under his breath. “He can’t lock you up in here for five days without fresh air.”

“It’s not like I’d suffocate.”

“Probably not,” Shiro huffed, already fumbling with the window’s handle. He smiled to himself when it finally opened. “But it’s like.. a basic human right, you know?”

“I’ve never heard of a right to fresh air.” Shiro was glad to hear that Keith was still in the mood for sarcasm.

“Well, I guess we should study law next year, then. Just to make sure.“

“If there is a next year.” Keith's voice was barely audible. Shiro turned around from where he stood at the window and for the first time, took the time to look at Keith. He looked small in the dimmed lights of his room, smaller than usual, at least. He wasn’t in his Garrison uniform or training clothes, but instead just wore black pants and a plain dark grey t-shirt. It made him look even paler. Dark circles under his eyes indicated that he hadn’t slept well last night. But what really caught Shiro’s eye was the nasty dark purple spot on his cheek. 

“What happened?” He asked, his voice softer than he was used to. 

“Didn’t Iverson tell you?”

“He told me you got into a fight, nothing more.”

Keith pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. 

“You.. don’t have to talk about it but.. I’m here?”

“Yes, that you are.” 

“Look, I’m not here to pry, ok? I just.. I don’t know. I was shocked when Matt told me that you had been confined to your room for _five_ days. I mean.. that’s a pretty hard punishment. I thought you might want some company?”

“I’m used to being alone.”

“That doesn’t mean you _have to_ be alone.”

Keith looked at him, eyes piercing. “What do you want?” His tone was so hostile Shiro felt like he’d just been punched. 

“What? Nothing! Look, if you don’t want company, I can go. Just.. I probably need to lock up the window again so Iverson doesn’t notice I was here.”

“He didn’t send you?”

“No. To be honest, he probably wants you to brood here all alone.. so if you really want to get back at him, you could just enjoy having some company.” Shiro grinned goofily and pointed at himself with both his thumbs to make a point. It probably wasn’t the right time for jokes but it was what Shiro often found himself to fall back to when he felt uneasy. And looking at Keith right now just had that effect on him. There was a darkness behind his eyes that threatened to swallow Shiro whole.. And he simultaneously wanted to dive into it and run as far away as possible. 

To his surprise, Keith snorted a laugh at his words and his shoulders relaxed a bit.

“So.. talking to you can be my personal vendetta against Iverson?” 

 

“Exactly.” Shiro’s grin turned into a tentative smile. 

“Well.. Guess I have to talk to you, then.” Keith smiled back at him and Shiro released a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. 

“So..” He sat down on the foot of the bed, next to Keith. “Care to tell me what happened? From what I see, someone landed a pretty good hit on your face.”

Keith tried to turn his face even more away from Shiro. “You should see the other guy,” he remarked drily. 

Shiro smirked but tried to put on a more serious face quickly. 

“Keith.. you’re smart and an excellent fighter. I’m sure you’re a talented pilot, too. The Garrison could help you reach your goals, to become one of the best pilots on Earth. I don’t want you to risk that. You’re too smart for that.”

“You barely know me.”

“That’s true. But I would like us to become friends.”

Keith rested his injured cheek carefully on his knees. “Why?”

The question took him by surprise. “Why not? I have to admit I was a bit unsure about this whole mentor thing, but I like spending time with you.”  
_And you seem so lonely. You could really do with some friends_ , was left unsaid. 

Keith didn’t move or say anything. The silence in the room started to settle down on Shiro heavily, but he forced himself to remain still and give Keith the time he needed to process things. _Patience._

“I hate being locked in here,” Keith mumbled silently. His voices sounded so small it hurt something deep inside of Shiro. It reminded him of how he had been as a child, with parents who treated him like the shadow of someone long gone. Lost and helpless.

For the first few months after his sister had died, his mother had barely allowed him to go out alone. She was scared something would happen to him, Shiro knew that now. But as a kid? It had been hard to understand. He’d felt caged, like there hadn’t been enough air in his parent’s house. 

Shiro glanced at the window he’d opened in Keith’s window and took a deep breath. It was late, the sun had set a while ago and the sky was turning a deep bluish black. 

“Let’s get you out of here for a while.”

Keith’s head whirled around. He winced as his cheek rubbed against his knee on the way, but didn’t make a sound. Instead, he was staring at Shiro open mouthed.

“Come on, I don’t have all night,” Shiro smirked at him as he got up from the bed. He was aware he was taking a risk, here, but it was a calculated one. At this time of the day, most students would be in their rooms, although there was still the possibility of being spotted. Rumours spread like a wildfire at the Garrison and if Iverson got wind of their little trip outside, Shiro would get a good talking to for the first time since he’d started going here. 

A look at Keith’s face showed him it was worth it, though, and he couldn’t help but smile at the open surprise he saw there. 

“You’re coming, or what?” he prompted again and this time, it caused Keith to jump up from his bed and grab a jacket. 

Shiro suppressed a grin and put a finger to his lips before he opened the door. After making sure no one was outside, he motioned for Keith to follow.

~~~

Keith took a deep breath. When Shiro looked at him, his eyes were closed and there was a serene smile on his face. It made Shiro feel warm inside, despite the cold that was creeping up his body.

“Better?” He asked. 

“Sooo much.” Keith chuckled and opened his eyes to look at him, _really look at him_ for the first time with an open expression. “Thank you, Shiro.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Shiro heard himself say. Was it too early to call him that? He’d said that he wanted to be his friend, but just wanting something didn’t make it so. But Keith’s smile only grew a bit wider. 

“Can we walk for a bit?”

“Of course.” Shiro understood Keith’s ache to move after being confined to his rooms for three days. So they walked in pleasant silence for a bit. Shiro’d grown up in a big city and it always amazed him looking at the desert’s night sky. There were just.. so many stars. 

“The first time I came out here at night and looked at the stars was the first time I understood what freedom really felt like.” He had no idea why he was talking, but he felt like sharing something with Keith. Something personal… even if it was a thing as small as this. He didn’t look at him but saw him smiling out of the corner of his eyes. 

“The desert is special like this. I’ve spent hours watching the stars when I was a kid.”

“Ah, right. You said you grew up not far from here.”

“Yes. Although when my dad left I was forced to live somewhere else.”

Shiro held his breath. This was an uncharacteristically open remark for Keith and Shiro felt the weight of that moment on his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry he left,” he offered. “How old were you?”

“Eight.” 

“That’s pretty young.”

Keith didn’t answer at first and Shiro thought the moment passed as they continued walking in silence. Until Keith spoke again. 

“Hey, wanna see where we lived?”

“Seriously?”

“I.. yes. Although.. it’s probably a bad idea. It’s late and I’m sure you have to get back, soon.” Keith eyed him with a slight frown. 

Shiro thought about that for a moment. Keith was right. It _was_ late and they should get back soon, but.. he didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to get to know this side of Keith. 

“How far is it?”

“About.. an hour walk? Sorry, it was a stupid idea.”

“Let’s do it!”


	5. the shack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro gets a glimpse of Keith's life before the Garrison.

“That’s it.” Keith came to a halt. Shiro walked up next to him, until he stopped, too. 

“It’s... tiny.”

“It is.”

It was a shack, nothing more. A tiny, wooden shack - a little on the bad side, but then Keith had said he hadn’t been here for a while. Shiro wondered how a tiny family had lived here. Did Keith have any siblings or had it been just him and his parents?   
It wasn’t just the fact that it was small, but it was also in the middle of nowhere. There were no other houses, no playground, school.. not even a real street. All Shiro could make out was a blown over trail. 

_Who’d decided to live in area as vast and depressing as that? It’s no environment for a little child._

Shiro glanced at Keith, who was standing next to him, a smile on his face. He looked younger out here, his face more open, more carefree than Shiro was used to. 

A cold wind came up and Keith shivered visibly despite his jacket. Shiro felt the cold, too, but he had more body mass to protect himself from it. Was Keith eating probably? 

“Maybe we should go inside. It’s probably a bit more wind sheltered,” Shiro suggested. But Keith just stood there motionless, the expression on his face kind of frozen were moments before had been a smile. He’d talked fondly of his old home, but maybe there lay some sleeping demons in the wait. Shiro had no intention of waking them. 

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

“No, it’s ok,” Keith was quick to assure. “Let’s go in.”

Shiro let Keith lead him down the trail to the front door. When he pushed the handle, it wasn’t locked and he was quick to follow Keith inside. He had expected it to be empty, but.. 

“Does someone still live here?” There was a small sofa, a table, books and something that looked like an old hi-fi system. 

“No, it’s our old stuff.” Keith went over to the books, took one and blew the dust off of it. Shiro had the sinking feeling that something had happened here. Who left without taking any of their stuff? But he didn’t dare to ask. If Keith wanted to talk to it, he’d do so on his own terms. 

“It looks.. cozy,” he said instead.

“You mean small.” Keith smirked while setting the book back down. “We didn’t need that much space. There was a whole desert around us.”

_Yes, but you can’t really live out there_ , Shiro thought, but remained quiet. He took a walk around the small living room, reading some of the book’s name. Most of them were about space. Keith watched him. 

“I’ve always been interested in space. I often lay on the roof, watching the stars at night.”

Shiro didn’t look up. “Your parents didn’t notice?” 

“My dad was working at night.”

Shiro hesitated before he asked the next questions. “What about your mum?”

“She.. died. I never knew her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“My dad really tried all he could. He wasn’t a bad guy. He worked at night so he could homeschool me.”

Shiro nodded. It sounded like Keith’s dad had really tried, but he he’d chosen to raise him in a desert, far away from the next city, still left him with a weird feeling. 

“You know.. when I was a kid, my father often took me outside to look at the stars before he put me to bed. So.. well, it’s stupid, I know that now, but he said that my mum lived with the stars now so.. I could wave her and say good night before I went to bed.” Keith was watching him. Shiro could tell that he was gauging his reaction. 

“That’s.. really cute actually.” 

Keith snorted.

“No, really.”

For a moment, they were both silent. Shiro imagined a young Keith standing in front of the little shack with his dad, waving his mom goodnight. The image made his chest feel tight. 

“When I first realized I wanted to become an astronaut, it was because I wanted to visit mum. It took me years after my dad left to finally understood what he meant by saying that. Of course she wasn’t _living_ there.”

Shiro glanced at Keith, who was smiling sadly. Even though he hadn’t known him for long, Shiro felt like he slowly got a feeling for who Keith really was. He was a bit prickly, yes, but not without cause. 

“Why did your dad leave?”

Keith shrugged his shoulders before crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I don’t know. One morning I got up and he just.. wasn’t there. I waited for hours but he never came.”

“God, Keith. That’s horrible!”

“It was.. tough. It took two days for someone to pick me up.”

“And you never heard of him again?”

“No. I..” Keith looked at him, biting his lip. “I tried to find him a few years ago. But it’s like he never existed. It’s really... weird..”

“It is,” Shiro agreed. “What.. happened to you, then? You said someone picked you up, so I guess you called some family or friends?”

“No.” Keith looked at him with big, sad eyes. “I had no one. The person I knew best besides my dad was the shopkeeper in the next down. My dad always took me there on Saturday when we bought groceries. Nice man, always gave me free candy before we left.”

Shiro’s eyes wandered over the meager furniture. It was clear to him that Keith hadn’t had much as a kid. Not only when it came to material stuff but also.. his life must have been so lonely. Out here in the desert, with no school, no other kids to play with.. 

“We should probably get back,” Keith abruptly said and Shiro could get just from looking at him that he’d begun to build up his walls. He didn’t mind. Keith had opened up a lot today and after what he’d learned, he understood the need to hide in the safety behind those walls. 

“I’ll try to come visit you tomorrow,” he promised once they were back in the barracks. Keith only nodded, but Shiro caught the glimpse of a smile before his door closed behind him. 

He lay awake until the early morning hours, thinking of Keith being left alone in a small shack the desert by his dad.


	6. Haircut

Sweat was dripping down Shiro’s neck as he took on a fighting stance. They’d been training for _hours_ now and his muscles screamed from exhaustion, but still, he didn’t want to stop. The other students had left the training room long ago and he was probably lunchtime, but he didn’t feel hungry at all.  
Keith was a fierce fighter in hand-to-hand combat, Shiro had learned that during their first sparring lesson. The fact that he was significantly smaller was made up for with speed, agility and determination. Most of Shiro’s classmates were highly trained in combat but they’d become predictable to him. Keith was a challenge and Shiro _loved_ it.Keith didn’t always play fair, but that was how real fights usually went down. You see an opportunity to land a hit? You take it. And Shiro had learned with Keith that he gave his opponents too many opportunities.

He dodged an attack, but left his flank open, which earned him a wicked kick. He couldn’t help but grin despite the pain. Shiro knew he was supposed to help Keith learn, to be his mentor.. He hadn’t been prepared to learn so much in the process.  
It wasn’t that Keith always won their fights - no, there’d been several times when Shiro had triumphed. But it had always been a close call and it had never been easy.

Before this mentorship, Shiro had used to talk to Matt about his fights. He’d done so after he began mentoring Keith, but Matt had started to make fun of him for losing to someone younger and smaller than him. Shiro didn’t let it show, but it angered him. Not the fact that Matt made fun of him for losing, but that it carried the connotation that Keith was somehow not to be taken seriously. When Matt wouldn’t stop talking about it, Shiro stopped seeing him after his training sessions and switched to spending some more time with Keith. 

Sometimes, Shiro felt guilty about it.. Matt was his friend and Shiro had the slight suspicion that there was some kind of secret jealously hiding behind his mocking. Not of Keith’s fighting skills, as Matt wasn’t very ambitious when it came to these things, but of the time Shiro spent with his new friend. That he had decided to spend even _more_ time with Keith probably didn’t help things make his guilt only grow.. but as soon as he met up with Keith, the feeling vanished. Shiro wanted to spend time with him. He also wanted to spend time with Matt but.. something about it was different. Maybe it was because he’d known Matt for years and Keith was someone new in his life. Whatever it might be, Shiro liked seeing Keith, liked talking to him. There was some deep understanding between them since they’d been to the shack, a connection..

The air left his lungs in a rush as Keith suddenly lunged at him and his fist connected with his ribs. Using this moment of distraction, he also managed to trip him up and sent him flying to the ground. Out of reflex, Shiro grabbed his arm and took him down with him - which gave him at least some kind of satisfaction, until the impact of his weight punched the air out of his lungs once again. Keith only laughed at Shiro’s grimace of discomfort.  
 _Little rat_ , he thought without any heat.

“What’s wrong, big man? Didn’t eat your cheerios this morning?” Keith teased with a smirk. His hair had fallen in his face during their fall, probably obscuring his view. He tried to blow them out of his eyes, but that was - for once - a fight he didn’t win.

Shiro laughed breathlessly. “It’s an unfair fight. You were raised in a desert and probably trained by deadly snakes. That’s why you move like an eel.”

“An eel is not a snake.”

“It’s a water snake?”

“What? No!” Keith snorted a laugh. ”Are you serious?” Again, he tried to blow the hair out of his face, and again he failed. It was starting to get a bit long, Shiro had noticed days ago.

Shiro shrugged his shoulders in response. “Don’t think you can distract me from your unfair fighting techniques with samantics.”

“You mean s _e_ mantics.”

“Did your snake people tell you that?”

“I thought I was an _eel_.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You grew up in a desert, you can’t possibly be a water snake.”

“ _You_ are” Keith tried to blow the hair out of his face _again_ “ridiculous.”

Shiro couldn’t help but chuckle at the slightly annoyed look on Keith’s face, wondering if it was due to their conversation or his _hair_. Before he even realised he was doing it, he reached out with his right hand and gently ran it through the wayward strand of hair before pushing it out of Keith’s face. His breath hitched in his throat as his thumb accidentally brushed his cheek. What was he doing?

“Maybe you should think about a haircut,” Shiro murmured, looking up into Keith's eyes. For the first time, Shiro noticed their strange colour. Grey with a hinge of.. purple? Keith looked back at him like a startled deer, before he broke that eye contact and cleared his throat.

“I.. probably should.”

Letting his hand fall from Keith’s hair like all its strengths had been sucked out of it, Shiro felt the heat creeping up his cheeks.

“I have to go.” Keith suddenly scrambled to his feet. Shiro couldn’t really blame him.

“See you tomorrow?” He heard himself ask.

“Yes. Tomorrow. Bye, Shiro.”

And with that, he was gone. Shiro just lay there for a while, motionless. When his stomach decided to remind him that it hadn’t been a good idea to probably skip lunch, he pushed himself up with a sigh. His right hand still felt a bit warm, it was probably as embarrassed as its actions as Shiro. _What had he been thinking?_


	7. Garrison Days

“I knew if someone would get this boy to come to his senses, it would be you.” Commander Holt smiled at Shiro.

The evening had him at the Holt’s house. As Matt’s best friend, Shiro sometimes got invited over for dinner. It was one of the small luxuries he really enjoyed, eating with a real family, without hundreds of other students running around. Shiro felt that after today’s events, he needed the quiet even more than usual. He had hoped that it would take his mind off of Keith, too, but it only took minutes for the Commander to ask how things were going. Everything was fine, wasn’t it? At least it had been, until earlier that day. What if he’d ruined things between them?

“Oh yes, everything Shiro touches turns into gold,” Matt mumbled sarcastically. Shiro swallowed hard at the comment. _If only._

“Nah, nah. Don’t be like that, Matt. You’re a talented student yourself and you know that pretty well. That’s why they both are you are promising candidates for the upcoming Kerberos mission.”

The two friends were exchanging looks. They _knew_ their chances of being picked for the mission were not bad, but hearing it from Commander Holt put a whole new level to it. It made it _official_. The mere thought made Shiro’s head swim with excitement. _Kerberos..._

“It’s just that Shiro is a bit more socially.. versed.”

“Excuuuuse me, Dad?”

“Matt, sometimes you just have to admit when you’re father’s right,” Shiro chided teasingly.

Commander Holt laughed. “Well, boys, no fighting. You must value your friends. They’re the ones you’re going to remember once you’ll be looking at your Garrison days. Not your good grades or aced sims. Some of your friends, you’re going to miss dearly someday.” He had a far away, but happy look on his face, as if he could clearly picture his old friends.

Matt’s dad was right. Given Shiro’s current stats and grades, it was likely the Garrison would offer him a job after graduating next year, even if he didn’t end up being the chosen pilot for the Kerberos mission.. But nothing was set in stone. The possibility that he’d just leave for different opportunities was still there. What about Matt, then? Would they stay friends once their lives put some distance between them?  
What about Keith?

Shiro’s stomach churned as he thought back on what he’d done earlier. At that very moment, it had felt right, natural. In retrospect? Not so much. When he looked at it from the distance, it was a gesture far too intimate for someone he’d only known for a short time. For someone he called a _friend_. It was highly confusing and he wished he could talk to someone about it.  
Well, he could probably talk to Matt, but he wasn’t sure he could stand his teasing with that one, although, usually, he didn’t mind. 

“Aww, Mr. frowny face. What’s the matter?”

_That’s exactly what I meant_ , Shiro thought as he looked at a grinning Matt.

“See? That’s why I suggested Shiro as a mentor. You see your friend deep in thought and maybe even _troubled_ and all you do is mock him. Keith would have blown up in your face seconds after you first talked to him.” Commander Holt said with a raised eyebrow, pointing his spoon at his son.

Matt, though, only shrugged his shoulders. “Good thing Shiro is a better person than this Keith, then.”

“At least he has more patience to put up with you.”

Matt appeared to have stopped listening. Shiro’s ears, though, had perked up at the Commander’s words.

“You know Keith? Uhm.. I mean.. I.. you know what I mean.” Shiro tried not to appear too eager, but it was the first time someone hinted at knowing Keith. Of course, the professors at the Garrison would know him, but calling him by his first name seemed a bit more.. personal.

Commander Holt chewed thoughtfully on a spoonful of peas. “Well, I wouldn’t call it ‘knowing him’, but I’ve had him in a few of my classes. And of course, I read his file. He’s a bright student. And.. have you watched him in a sim?”

Shiro shook his head.

“Well, you should watch him sometime. He’s the best young pilot I’ve ever seen.”

Matt gasped overly dramatically, his spoon hitting the table with a clank. “Even better than Shiro?”

“I’m sorry, but yes.” Commander Holt looked first at Matt, then at Shiro. He was smiling. “You’re a great pilot, Shiro. But Keith is something... different.” 

“Honour to whom honour is due,” Shiro offered. If Keith was anything like in the training room when it came to piloting, he had no problem with being bested. It didn’t take away his own achievements, after all.

“I’m glad you can see it like that. With a little help, I’m sure Keith can do well at the Garrison. I know he has some issues.. but I actually disagree with Iverson, when he says he’s undisciplined. He behaved totally fine in my classes... but I watched him lose his temper when provoked.”

“By Iverson, you mean?” Matt chimed in. His father only tutted at him, and Shiro tried to hide his grin behind taking a sip of his juice. He remembered Keith’s behaviour around Iverson well and now that he knew him a bit better, he also knew that he was a bit temperamental sometimes- and Iverson wasn’t exactly easy-going, either. 

“What was in his file?”

Shiro could tell from the casual way Matt had asked the question that he was curious. Keith was this new mysterious person and Shiro’s life and he refused to tell him anything personal about him. The fact that his father had mentioned his file explicitly in reference to his potential issues had probably only made him more interested. 

“I won’t discuss his personal matters with you, the information in the files are not for other students.”

“Guess I have to find out myself, then.” The excited gleam in Matt’s eyes didn’t bode well for Shiro. He knew that by tomorrow morning, he’d be bombarded with questions he wasn’t ready to answer, nor were his to answer to begin with. Was he even ready to introduce them? What if they didn’t get along?  
What if they _did_ get along?

An uneasy feeling bubbled up deep inside of Shiro. What if Keith preferred Matt’s company? What if he didn’t want him as his mentor anymore, if he liked Matt better or just was creeped out by what had happened today? Shiro took another sip of his juice without tasting it. He barely registered the ongoing conversation between Commander Holt and his son about privacy and not being nosy.  
Matt was his friend, it was inevitable that he met Keith someday. It was a good thing, too. Right? His schedule was usually pretty tight, so hanging out with both of them at the same time would make things easier. Except.. a tiny part of him wanted Keith to himself. Shiro stared at his dinner plate, his appetite long gone. His chest clothes felt suddenly constricting and too hot.

“I’m sorry, I just.. forgot I have a paper due.” Shiro stood up gingerly, his chair scraping against the floor with a screeching sound. Matt’s sister Katie, who’d been sitting at the table lost in a book flinched at the sudden noise, her eyes meeting Shiro the first time that evening.

“Are you ok, Shiro?” Matt asked.

“I’m fine, really.” Shiro saw Matt’s clearly unconvinced look but chose to ignore it. “I just really have to get some work done.”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t invest so much time in teaching Keith, you would be able to spend some actual time with your _friends_ ,” Matt murmured under his breath.

There it was. For the first time, Matt had openly voiced his jealousy and it made Shiro’s blood run cold for a moment. He had no idea how to deal with his feelings right now.. So he acted like he hadn’t heard his words.

Matt’s mother insisted on packing some leftovers for him, although Shiro would have preferred to just extract himself out of this situation as soon as possible. While Commander Holt praised his ambition, Matt was eating his dinner in cold silence. Shiro’s stomach churned. Over the course of just a few hours, he’d managed to upset Matt _and_ Keith. Silently he vowed to make it up to Matt tomorrow, maybe spend some quality-friend-time.. but for now, he needed to leave. There was something else he had to fix, first.

~~~

“Keith? Are you there?” Shiro’s hands fidgeted at his sides as he waited for an answer. It was late, so Keith probably was in his room. What if he didn’t want to talk to him? Shiro wasn’t even sure what he was going to say, yet. He just had to say _something_.

When the door slid open, Shiro held his breath for a moment. Right before him stood Keith, in nothing but his boxers and a black t-shirt. It was always weird to see him in something else than his uniform, but this.. it felt like something he wasn’t meant to see, although he couldn’t explain why. He’d seen him far more exposed when they had been at the pool.

“Is something wrong?” Keith asked him with a frown. Shiro looked at him, searched his face for any signs of annoyance. But all he saw was confusion and something akin to worry shining in his eyes. It took Shiro off guard. The last time he’d seen Keith, he’d practically fled from him. And now he acted like he didn’t know what was wrong?

“No..umm.. I..” Shiro huffed, slightly irritated at his own inability to form words. “Can I come inside?”

Instead of answering, Keith stepped aside to make room for Shiro to entered. The room smelled significantly better than the first time he’d visited, but then, Keith hadn’t been locked up here for days. Something else was different. Shiro let his eyes wander over the furniture. Keith’s bed was slightly ruffled like he’d been sitting on it. The bed on the other side of the room was neatly made, though. Wait..

“What’s the matter?” Keith asked.

“Are you getting a roommate?

Keith blinked at him, then crossed his arms in front of him. “You came here at this time to ask me that?”

Shiro sighed. _Smooth_ , he thought, _now I’m invading his privacy._

“No.. I’m sorry. I mean..” He took a deep breath. “I actually came here to apologise.”

“For?” Keith’s expression had become guarded. _So he does know what this is about._

“Earlier today. Look, I have no idea why I did what I did. I just didn’t think. I just thought.. I don’t know. Maybe I hit my head during the fall or it was exhaustion or.. At that moment, I just found it very funny how your hair was bugging you. I wanted to.. help?”

Keith let his arms fall lax to his side. “That’s all?”

“That’s all.” It wasn’t. But it was all he had to offer at that very moment.

Keith nodded in acknowledgement, then took a few steps through the small room and sat down on his bed.

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, I’m getting a roommate.” This time, the annoyance was clearly written all over Keith’s face as he looked up at Shiro. “This year, I was lucky. My roommate dropped out only weeks after the semester started.. I doubt that’ll happen again. I hate living with strangers.”

It made sense. Keith had lost his family at a very young age after all. Shiro didn’t know the extent of what had happened afterwards, if he’d lived in an orphanage or had gone into the foster system.. either way, Keith must have been forced to live with strangers more than he’d probably cared for. It wasn’t fair that he was about to go through this again.

“I could be your roommate,” Shiro blurted out.

“What?” Keith seemed as surprised as Shiro.

_I really should have thought this one through, first,_ he thought.

“Well..” he started hesitantly. “I’m not a stranger, right? And my roommate is kind of a leech sooo.. at least we’d both know what we’re in for?”

Keith closed his eyes for a moment, his head tilted to one side. Shiro felt cold sweat running down his back, but he forced himself not to squirm when Keith finally looked up at him.

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yes.”

Shiro tried to regain control over his face and keep his stupid, relieved grin in check. Judging from Keith’s smirk, he failed to at least some degree. 

“Great! So.. we’re cool?” He had to make sure.

“Yeah.”

“Great. And I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Keith snorted. “Yeah. Unless you insist on keeping me up even longer, then I’ll see you later.”

Shiro took the hint. “Alright,” he chuckled while scratching the back of his head with his right hand. He turned to leave. “See you _tomorrow_ , then.”

On his way back to his room, Shiro felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. And although today hadn’t started out to one of the best days he’d ever had, Shiro knew there were better ones to come. And he was sure that one day, he’d look back at his ‘Garrison days’ with the same sentimental look in his eyes as Commander Holt. He’d made his own memories with his friends. He’d make good ones.


	8. First

Keith stared out of the window into the night sky. Even though it was pretty late, sleep was still eluding him. A few hours ago, Iverson had called him into his office and confirmed that Shiro would be his roommate for the next semester. He’d also been told not to ‘mess it up’. For the first time, he was eager to please Iverson. Keith really, really didn’t _want_ to mess it up, he just wished he knew how to do that. With a sigh, he turned around and stared into the lonely darkness of his room. He wanted this to work out so bad..  
Keith was used to being lonely, but that didn’t mean he liked it. He was also used to people leaving him. He’d never known his mother and his dad? Well..

Since Keith had been forced to leave the shack he’d shared with his father, he had rarely been alone, but he’d always been lonely. In the orphanage, he’d been stuffed into rooms full of other kids. It had been loud and hectic and he’d been overwhelmed by it at first. He was used to the quiet of the desert, to the quiet company of his father.. he’d never really interacted with other kids before. Everyone had been just so… social. And Keith had had no idea how to fit in. Even though he longed to get in touch with them, his instincts also told him to remain vigilant and be wary. So he’d stayed alone, mostly ignored by the others who’d soon considered him a ‘weirdo’ and an ‘outsider’. Even the social workers had been to label him as antisocial and selfish.  
New children came to the orphanage regularly, they all started to engage with the others, easily, naturally. Keith had envied them. Everyone who’d tried to befriend him had left him soon after. He’d wished that someone just showed him _how_ to be normal, how to be good. But everyone had just expected him to _know_ all these things already and got angry when he offended others by accident.

Only months after he’d come to the orphanage, Keith had been sent off to his first foster family. His ‘new dad’ had liked how quiet he was, his social worker - Paul - had said. Keith hadn’t been the only child in that family. He’d had to share his room with three other boys, but none of them really talked to him. As usual, Keith had tried to interact, tried to be nice, but by then he’d been used to being rejected and quickly given up.

Still, Keith had pictured himself staying there. It was better than the orphanage, after all with a nice bed and enough to eat. But then.. since his dad had left, his sleep had always been uneasy and it had only gotten worse since he’d left the orphanage. He’d often have reoccurring dreams of rats trying to get under his clothes. Until one night, Keith had slept through them every time.. but one night, he’d woken up. It had taken him a moment to realize he’d truly been awake because the feeling of the rats just wouldn’t _go away_. So he opened his eyes and groggily looked down his body. What he saw felt like a punch in the face. His foster father loomed over him, roaming his hands over Keith’s naked chest.  
It had only taken him a second to react.  
The guy who’d touched him thought he was a small, defenseless, lost boy, while nothing could have been further from the truth. His dad had shown him how to fight as soon he could walk. The screams when Keith kicked him in various places had caused quite a commotion. Once the police was there, the other boys dared to talk about their experiences.. shy eyes looked at Keith like he’d been a hero when all he’d done was to protect himself. It had been the first time he’d felt really angry and betrayed. None of the boys had even tried to warn them about this man, they would have just silently watched on while Keith had been clueless.

That day, he’d learned that the only one out there to rely on was himself and since then, he’d never slept without his knife under his pillow.

_Keith blinked in the darkness of his room, feeling under his pillow with his hand. It was still there, wrapped in a cloth, although he hadn’t used it in a long time._

Keith had been relieved to be back in the orphanage at first. One of the boys from the foster family had been brought there with him and quickly everyone about what had happened. Due to that story, the other kids had started to swarm around him for protection. At first, it had been something that had made Keith very happy. But it hadn’t been the end of the loneliness that threatened to suffocate him every day. No..  
Whenever there was a problem, they came running to him, but not because he was _Keith_ , not because they wanted to get to know him or because they wanted to be his _friends_.. They knew his name, they knew about the incident - but that was it. Keith had tried to live up to their expectations, tried to solve their problems, to protect them. But once again, it was a lonely position. It had been a position that got him into trouble a lot, too..  
One day, the social worker decided that they’d have enough of him. They’d tried to get him into a new foster family.. but every time someone was willing to take him in, Keith managed to mess it up. He didn’t _want_ another family, didn’t trust them.  
There had been really nice families who’d probably not deserved his anger and rude words, but there had also been pretty bad ones. One family, in particular, hadn’t been as quick to give up on him as the others. The foster father was a strict man of a military upbringing. The first time he beat Keith, it had come as a shock to him. Keith had always been a good fighter, but the sheer force and brute of this man had just been overwhelming. After a few months of living there, Keith had packed up his things, stole some food from the kitchen and ran into the woods. It had taken them _weeks_ to find him again and weeks for Keith to recover after his punishment. Taking the food from the kitchen had earned him the scar on his hand.  
After almost a year, he’d been able to find the knife that had been taken from him after his arrival in the basement.  
He’d been brought back to the orphanage after he’d threatened to cut his foster father and mother with it. After that, his social worker hadn’t tried to find another family for him. It had been clear that they’d given up on him. Whenever they saw him, they eyed him with suspicion but otherwise didn’t engage. Except when something bad had happened at the orphanage when someone had been injured or something had been stolen. They’d used to come to him first, then.

The day the Garrison Galaxy came to his school to talk about their space explorations, Keith had felt hope for the first time in years. The dream of becoming a pilot had never really left him and when he learned that the Garrison had full scholarships for talented students, he decided to study _hard_. The social workers made fun of him, but Keith had long learned not to listen to them.  
When he got into the program, no one congratulated him.

“Let’s see how long it takes you to mess it up this time,” Paul had said the day he’d dropped him off in front of campus. Keith hadn’t answered, hadn’t even looked back. He’d been convinced that his life at the Garrison would finally be different..

There _had been_ people at the Garrison who were friendly to him.. But it seemed they never truly cared for getting to know him. The other students knew he was a good pilot, he was told so every day after the sims. He also was a good fighter and he was at willing to study hard for his courses. It quickly made the students in his class see him as competition and it had only taken them weeks to find his weak spots. Keith refused to endure it quietly, but every time he defended himself, he got chided. Iverson, in particular, was always giving him a hard time. It had made Keith feel angry and bitter. Why did it always have to be him? Why did none of the other students had to live with the teasing, the chiding? He made mistakes, sure, but other people did, too, and they were never treated like that. It seemed to Keith like everyone else in the world had someone to look after them, to be there when they fall, to pick them up and comfort them. Why not him? He wasn't the only good student at the Garrison and people like Shiro didn't have to put up with the same shit as he did.

Yet Shiro was different. He was to Keith at the very least.

Shiro was a first.

The first one who truly appeared to be trying to get to know him, to get close to him, to be his _friend_. And Keith wasn’t sure how to deal with this new situation. He wanted to spend time with Shiro but was also afraid to appear too needy. A tiny voice kept telling him that it was all just a ruse, that Shiro was silently making fun of him behind his back, that he should be careful to not let his guard down. Shiro was the star student of the Garrison, he sure had a lot of friends who wanted to spend time with him as well.. And Keith? Shiro was his mentor, yet he’d been the one who’d called him a friend, first. Keith thought of Shiro as a friend, but didn’t dare to say it out loud out of fear of.. what? Jinxing it? Did he even know what a friend was?

He huffed in frustration, tossing the sheets aside. He felt stupid. Thoughts of Shiro had haunted him for days now and as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw him.. Shiro, in the training room, lying under him on the mattress.. a gentle smile on his lips while he reached up to brush Keith’s hair out of his face. He took a stuttering breath. Shiro had explained the situation to him, but he still wasn’t sure he understood, but maybe that wasn’t Shiro’s fault, Keith didn’t seem to understand much lately.  
Still, that moment had felt entirely different from all the other times he’s been with him. He’d felt warm and safe, drawn to Shiro even though they’d been already so very close. And for the split of a second, he’d thought about how it would feel to kiss Shiro.

Keith pressed his eyes closed, taking another deep breath to ground himself. He decided to blame it on the fact that he was a teenager and a bit touch starved. That was probably all it was. His body was overreacting because he’d never been that close to another person before. He didn’t know how to feel and act around friends, yet. And how could he?

Shiro was his first after all.


	9. Memories

Shiro had settled in nicely. Why Iverson had decided to have him change his room before the summer break was beyond Keith, but it didn’t really matter. Shiro was a good roommate. He was clean, he didn’t spend too much time in their room, so Keith still had some alone time and.. Keith liked him. He was still scared to do something to mess it up.  
What did he have to do to keep him as a friend? Keith didn’t know and he was constantly afraid he was either doing too much or not enough. He had an exam the next morning and kept repeating facts about thermophysics in his head over and over again, anxious to forget even though Shiro had gone out of his way to explain it to him. Shiro had enough exams going his way, too, so Keith didn’t really understand why he was helping him. He felt inadequate. Keith was helping him in every possible way and had also taken the time to befriend him. And Keith? What was Keith giving in return? 

Nervousness often kept him awake at night when he mulled over every interaction he’d had with Shiro before he fell into a fitful sleep. Tonight, though, he was Shiro you seemingly had trouble sleeping. He tossed and turned and Keith had been watching him for a while, unsure what to do. 

“Shiro, wake up,” he tried after a painful sounding groan from Shiro. Shiro mumbled something incomprehensible, but otherwise didn’t react. 

“Shiro.. come on, wake up.” Keith stared at Shiro across the room. He was clearly having a nightmare, unable to hear Keith’s words.. Unsure of what to do, he pushed himself off the bed and walked over to Shiro. He shivered for a moment. Despite the hot summer days, the nights usually were pretty cold in the desert. 

“Shiro?” Again, no reaction. What should he do? He didn’t want to leave his friend to bad dreams. Holding his breath, Keith touched Shiro’s shoulder and shook him. Carefully at first, then a bit harder when it still didn’t earn him a reaction. He flinched, when Shiro suddenly jerked awake with a start, his body snapping up into a sitting position. He panted, his eyes scanning the room in obvious panic. Keith could hear his own heart beating in his ears. 

“It’s ok, you’re safe.” 

Shiro’s eyes immediately snapped up to the sound of Keith’s shaky voice. 

“It’s ok,” Keith tried to sooth him again.

“Keith?” 

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Shiro ran both his hands over his face because letting himself sink down onto the mattress again. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Keith glanced down at Shiro from where he was standing beside his bed. That’s what friends did, right? Talk. 

Shiro shook his head first, then nodded. “No.. I mean.. it was about my sister. I sometimes dream about the accident. I see her burn in that car.. it’s not like I’ve been there when it happened, it’s just…” his voice trailed off. “I.. barely remember her, to be honest.”

Keith nodded. He understood, although the he memory of his father sometimes got a bit overwhelming. “She was your sister. It must be terrible to dream about something like that.” 

“It is.” Shiro sighed. Then he looked up at Keith, his eyes glimmering suspiciously in the dark. “Sorry I woke you up.”

“You didn’t.”

Shiro looked at him thoughtfully, his sheets rustling as he moved to his side. “It’s pretty late, isn’t it? What’s keeping you up?”

“p = m/V*,” Keith sighed. 

Shiro chuckled. “You have nothing to worry about. You know the answer to all the questions.”

Keith shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe.”

“Not maybe. You do.”

“Thank you for.. helping me.”

Shiro just waved it aside. “No need to thank me. You should go back to sleep now. Your exam starts pretty early.”

“Yours does, too. Do you think you can go back to sleep?” 

Shiro stayed silent for a moment, before he pressed his eyes close as fighting the memory of his dream. The he shook his head. “I don’t think so. But I’ll manage, don’t worry.”

Keith stood still for a moment. Shiro was clearly troubled and Keith desperately wanted to help him, yet he didn’t know _how_. When he’d had a bad dream at the orphanage, the social worker and other kids had usually just ignored him. But there’d been a time before that.  
As a little child, he’d often had bad dreams. Mostly weird stuff of monsters with glowing eyes that had him screaming until his dad woke up.. His father had always been there to calm him down, had never been angry or annoyed. The memory stung deeply and Keith unconsciously balled his fists. How different his life would have been had his father not disappeared.. He’d cared for him, had lain next to him after a bad dream every time after a bad dream, let him cry if need be and told him everything was going to be ok. His eyes found Shiro, who was looking up at the ceiling with that sad look in his eyes.  
Holding onto the memory of his father, Keith came to a decision. 

“Scoot over.”

Shiro looked at him in confusion. “What?”

“Scoot over.” Keith didn’t allow himself to back off, now. Instead, he sat down on the edge of Shiro’s bed,

Shiro complied, although he was still looking at Keith with a raised eyebrow. The moment he moved over, Keith took a deep breath before immediately laying down next to Shiro. When their shoulders bumped, he could feel him tense when for a tiny moment. A moment that gripped at Keith’s heart with icy fear. Had he overstepped his bounds? Was this too close?  
But then, Shiro relaxed. He didn’t dare to look at him, though, so he stared straight ahead to the ceiling. He wouldn’t hold him as his father had, but he hoped that his company would have a soothing effect. He would go back to his own bed once Shiro had fallen asleep.

“You sure you’re ok with that?” He heard Shiro’s voice whispered through the darkness. 

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“Good night, then.”

Keith lay awake for a long time after that. Long after Shiro’s had fallen asleep - hopefully without being tortured by bad dreams this time. Listening to his even breathing was soothing, yet now Keith found himself lost in memories of his childhood. How safe he had felt sleeping in his father’s arms.. Since he’d been left in the desert, Keith had never felt like that again. Loneliness had been his constant and only companion. He’d grown somewhat accustomed to it, hadn’t really dare to dream that things could change for him. It's better not to hope, it’s better not to expect.. Keith didn’t feel like he could take the pain and disappointment again. 

He knew he should have probably changed back into his own bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up. He turned his head carefully to look at a peacefully sleeping Shiro and could feel the hope rushing through his body like a warm wave. It was frightening, terrifying even.. But at the same time, here in this bed, he felt strangely safe. 

Keith wished it was otherwise, but at the moment, his father was nothing but a memory. Whereas Shiro, was right there.. At this moment, Keith allowed himself to hope, allowed himself to let the memory, the crushing fear of being left alone slink back.  
Shiro was his friend, he was here and all was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * as you might have guessed, I know nothing about thermophysics


	10. Peridot

“No wonder all the guys in his class hate him!” Matt laughed. 

“What do you mean?” Shiro blinked at him in confusion. They were on their way back to Shiro’s room to study after helping with the simulations in Keith’s class. Shiro was still a bit dazed from watching him fly for the first time. Commander Holt had been right: Shiro himself was a talented pilot, but he was _nothing_ compared to Keith. The way he flew, the way he relied on instinct, was simply stunning and Shiro now had an idea _why_ Iverson had chosen not to expel him. Now that Iverson was seemingly pleased with the way Keith had progressed with Shiro as his mentor, he had decided to request more help from older students. As Matt and Shiro usually flew as a team, they were expected to support other students with their simulations as such. It was supposed to become a regular thing and although Matt had bemoaned the fact that it would take up a lot of their time, Shiro knew he was eager to help younger students.  
So today had been the first time they’d been in Iverson’s class. It had also been the first time Matt had met Keith. Shiro had been a bit anxious about that meeting, especially after he’d waited for such a long time to introduce them. He was aware he’d been making it a _thing_ , but he couldn’t help himself. He’d still been worried that something would go wrong, that Keith wouldn’t like Matt or Matt wouldn’t like Keith..  
It had went well, after all. Keith had been a bit awkward but had obviously tried his best to be nice to Shiro’s friend, and Matt had quickly warmed up to him. 

“Have you _looked_ at the guy? I bet all the girls are swooning for him.”

Shiro swallowed hard, his hand gripped the books he was carrying harder. 

“No wonder he got into so much trouble. I’m sure he’s hit on some of the guy’s girlfriends or something. Or.. one of them just fell in love with him or left her boyfriend for him. Something like that. I bet it was a real soap opera jealousy drama. Or a sitcom.” Matt looked at some randomly passing students in bemusement. “Everybody loves Keith,” he sing songed. “Except the boys.”

It was obvious that Matt was just making fun but.. it stung. Shiro opened the door to his room. To _their_ room, although Keith was still in his class. 

“I doubt that was the case,” Shiro said evenly, sitting down on the floor in front of his bed. He opened his book, immediately looking at it with forced concentration. He felt suddenly very tense and uneasy.. like there was a tiny, dense ball of anger inside his stomach. What he was angry about, though, he wasn’t so sure. 

“Aww, are you scared, too? It’s that why you’ve kept him hidden for such a long time?” Matt teased. “Didn’t want Sarah to see him, huh?”

“What?” Shiro looked up, he was met by Matt’s seemingly knowing smile. It took him a moment to realize what he really meant by that, though. “It has absolutely nothing to do with Sarah.” And it really didn’t. Sarah was a nice girl and at one point, Shiro had thought there might be the possibility for them to be more than friends.. Especially after Matt had told him over and over again how _hot_ Sarah was and what a nice couple they’d make. But since he’d spent so much time with Keith, he’d neither really seen nor thought about her, which was a sign that he hadn’t been that infatuated with her to begin with. 

“Sure thing.” Matt was still grinning and Shiro rolled his eyes. 

“If you’re done grinning like an idiot maybe we can start studying as we’re supposed to,” he snapped. “You were the one worried about our schedule after all.”

Matt’s grin froze on his face and Shiro furiously tried to keep the heat from showing on his face. It wasn’t like him to snap at his friend, usually he just ignored it when Matt started going on his nerves. Most of the time, it just wasn’t worth the fuss. But with Keith, Matt had found a weakness Shiro hadn’t been aware having until that very moment. Frustrated at the turmoil inside of him, he grit his teeth. 

“Man, maybe this Keith guy has a bad influence on you after all. I’ve hoped for the doing crazy party stuff kind of influence, but.. well.” Matt sounded almost as confused as Shiro felt. 

“I’m sorry,” Shiro pressed through his teeth. “I... “ He wasn’t ready to talk about this, yet. He needed time to process things, so.. he needed to stall. “I’m just.. super stressed out over this exam. I mean.. what even is the difference between a mineral, a rock and a gemstone?”

Matt was silent for a moment before he spoke again, cautiously. “Yeah, I get that. Although all those different stones and gems look pretty neat.”

Shiro nodded silently and looked back down at his book. He could feel Matt watching him, so he focused extra hard on reading.. but his mind kept returning to Keith over and over again. 

Maybe Matt was onto something. Keith was indeed handsome and the tension between him and his classmates was almost palpable. So far, Keith had never talked about girls.. or boys. But he was a pretty private person and rarely touched new topics without prompting. Shiro knew that some classes were excessively competitive and he had thought the tension came from Keith being an excellent pilot, but maybe there _was_ another reason. After all, he didn’t exactly know what happened before he’d been assigned his mentor, so it was possible there had been some drama including girls.  
But then.. Matt had been wrong about everything else when it came to Keith. _A spoiled brat with a high ranking Commander in the family_ \- he knew now that nothing could be further from the truth.  
Shiro’s frowned at his book. He should be studying for his exam and not obsessing over something like that. It was none of his business, right? So he took a deep breath and tried once more to concentrate on the text before him. 

_The peridot is a gemstone which is a silicate mineral with the formula of (Mg, Fe)2SiO4. As peridot is the magnesium-rich variety of olivine (forsterite), the formula approaches Mg2SiO4._

Shiro stared at the picture on the left side of the page. It was a very green, _indeed very neat looking_ gemstone. Shiro sometimes wished to punch his brain for the associations it was providing him with, but.. right now, the colour reminded him of the green-eyed monster from Shakespeare’s Othello.  
For a moment, he pressed his eyes close. Maybe his associations weren’t so far off. Maybe he was indeed feeling a bit “green”. Even though he was almost certain Keith hadn’t been in trouble because he’d hit on any girls, the mere thought of Keith with a girl made him feel cold and hot at the same time. Maybe Matt had been right to some degree. Maybe Shiro was a bit jealous. It just wasn’t because of Sarah.. it was because of Keith.


	11. Free Day

Keith closed his eyes and turned his face towards the sun. He loved the sensation of the wind blowing over his skin and hair while simultaneously being heated up by the midday’s sun rays. A bead of sweat ran down his back and he shivered slightly.  
It was hot today, the last free day before the new semester was about to begin, and he’d decided to enjoy the quiet of the desert one last time before the madness started. Part of Keith dreaded the notion of being penned up at the Garrison with hundred other students, but another part was looking forward to it. The part that longed for Shiro’s presence.  
Keith was used to being alone, but he’d quickly realized that he _missed_ Shiro. They’d said their goodbyes two days after the semester had ended. Shiro had hugged him and although Keith wasn’t used to being hugged and it’d felt weird for a moment, he hadn’t wanted to let go. That moment he’d been scared he’d never see Shiro again.. Which was stupid, of course. They’d only be apart for a few weeks but Keith had come to like the calm and steady presence by his side, enjoyed talking to Shiro.. But he knew that Shiro had a family, friends at home to go back to.  
Keith had nothing despite an empty shack and memories.

Keith sighed. He opened his eyes and stared ahead into the wide open nothingness of the desert. Soon, it would be too hot to sit out in the sun like this.

_Better get going_ , he thought before getting up. At this time of the year, being outside in the open like this could easily end in a heat stroke. Knowing the stress that lay ahead of him, Keith thought it wise to prevent that at all costs. He still took his time walking back to the Garrison. There would be enough hectic in the near future, he knew that very well. This wasn’t his first semester, after all. He’d give a lot to spend this day with Shiro. A day just for the two of them. He knew by tomorrow, the halls would be swarming with people and they’d all be busy with signing in for different courses, gossiping about new teachers and students, setting into their rooms, getting their books.. the usual. Keith knew they’d barely have the time to really talk for at least a week or so as they’d both be sucked into semester starting madness. But Shiro wasn’t there.

The few people who’d arrived earlier that day barely noticed him when he entered the facility. The air was so very different inside and Keith immediately felt somewhat caged. He shivered and decided to open a window as soon as he was in his room to get at least a tiny sense of freedom back. A smile found the way on his lips as he remembered Shiro breaking him out of his room months ago. He’d been so horrified that Keith hadn’t been allowed to open up his window.. The fact that he’d been so concerned with Keith’s well being had surprised him back then. It had also changed the way he felt around Shiro.. less caged, less _confined_ around him.. It eased some of the tension he’d felt since coming to the Garrison. He also felt significantly less inclined to punch someone over a stupid comment. And there sure had been a lot.  
Keith’s shoulders went stiff as he thought about all the things that had been said to him lately. Saying that his classmates weren’t exactly pleased that Iverson had gone out of his way to keep him at the Garrison by assigning him a mentor was an understatement. Keith knew he’d been close to being expelled.. At that point, he hadn’t really cared anymore. He had been used to not fitting in, being a disappointment, but he’d hoped that things for him would change at the Garrison _so much_..

_“Let’s see how long it takes you to mess it up this time._

Then Shiro had shown up. And Keith classmates had gone wild.  
Not only was Keith the best pilot, he now also had the attention of Garrison’s star student. And they had a lot to say about what _kind_ of attention Keith was probably getting from him..  
Keith didn’t really care what they thought about him, but he cared how people spoke about Shiro and it sometimes proved difficult to remain calm.  
Aside from that, Keith was a bit anxious how Shiro would react if he ever got wind of these.. rumours. Would he still be willing to be his mentor? And more importantly, his friend? Things like that could ruin a man’s career after all. Keith was scared of being alone once more, and he was also scared of rejection. Because although these rumours weren’t true and Shiro had never touched him like _that_ , he wasn’t sure there wasn’t at least some tiny tinge of truth about how they said he felt about Shiro. But how could he be sure? He had nothing to compare it to. When Shiro had hugged him the first time, he hadn’t been sure if it meant something.. but he’d seen him hug Matt and his other friends a lot and being very casual about physical contact in general. Keith was trying to loosen up around him. He usually wasn’t the touchy-feely kind of person, but with Shiro, it was strangely easy.. and it had him wondering in earnest what _that_ might mean for himself. Was it simply curiosity or more?

Keith sighed. It was.. complicated. But then, feelings usually were, especially when you had to figure everything out by yourself. Doing that usually brought him nothing except a mild feeling of panic, so he tried to do what Shiro had tried to teach him: breathe in, take in your surroundings, calm yourself. So he listened to his footsteps that echoed somewhat loud in the otherwise silent floor and the cool air on his skin.  
When he rounded the corner, he noticed with some uneasiness that the door to his room was slightly ajar. So much for calming himself.. Carefully, he stepped closer and glimpsed through the crack; the figure rummaging around at the desk looked awfully familiar.

“Shiro?” Keith croaked. It was just then that he realized he hadn’t talked to anyone in weeks.

“Keith!” Shiro beamed brightly at him. It warmed Keith more than any sunlight probably could. He could do nothing but stare, as he was approached and finally hugged by the person he’d missed so much for the last few weeks.

“You’re here early.” His voice was barely audible when he finally managed to get out of his stupor and put his arms around Shiro’s broad shoulders.

“I took an earlier flight. I thought we might spend some time together. It’s our last free day after all for a while, right? Let’s do something fun and relax before we’ll be crushed by responsibilities again.”

Keith chuckled lightly, only letting go of Shiro when he did. “I’d really like that.”

“Movies and Pizza?”  
“ _Yes!_ ”


	12. Party

It was the evening of the yearly and infamous semester opening party. The Garrison usually had strict rules about partying and alcohol, but since the party wasn’t held on Garrison property, they couldn’t forbid it. Even though they were the ones who had to deal with hungover students the next day.   
As usual, Shiro and Matt helped set things up at one of their friend’s house. Matt would have _died_ to have been able to host one of those parties himself, but with Garrison Commander as his father, it would never be more than a dream.   
Shiro was busy for hours carrying bottles, putting chips in bowls and storing away breakable thing.. but more than once, he found his mind wandering back to Keith. Matt had suggested inviting him.   
_“It would be good for him to do a little socializing. As his mentor you should look after that,”_ he’d said and Shiro had grudgingly agreed. He knew Keith wasn’t a people person and he was fine with that. But Matt was right. A little socializing from time to time wouldn’t hurt.. even though he’d like to spend all his Keith-time alone with him. Either way, Keith had agreed a bit timidly to think about going and Shiro had left their room feeling like he’d forced him into something he didn’t want at all. 

Slowly, more and more students were arriving at the house. Some of them were Shiro’s friends and he quickly got lost in conversation. Most of them had been home for the summer break but some of them had traveled and had interesting stories to tell. Shiro’d just been in his hometown and he usually avoided talking too much about it. How’d he been? Well, the usual. His parents weren’t exactly thrilled he was going to be a pilot, so they’d been nagging him about it the whole time.   
_”Accidents happen. You’ll end up dead just like your sister.”_ \- Shiro had tried to keep interaction with his parents to a minimum and spend most of his time with his friends instead. He’d missed them as he wasn’t able to see them as much as he’d like to, but he quickly felt the wish to go back to the Garrison.. That alone hadn’t been a new thing for him. Even though he tried to stay away from his parents as much as possible, being with them was what quickly pushed him away from home. What _was_ new though, was the _pull_ he felt towards the Garrison.   
Now that he was back, Shiro was happy to see his other friends again. They hadn’t seen each other all summer and - if he was being honest - not much before that either. Shiro listened to all of them but caught himself glancing at the door more frequently with every passing hour. He’d recognized some of Keith’s classmates arriving earlier, which made his absence somehow even more prominent. 

“Isn’t that right, Shiro?”

His name brought his attention back from the door. “What?” 

“Are you ok?” Sarah looked at him kind of annoyed. “I feel like you haven’t been really listening to me all evening.”

“I’m.. sorry.. I..”

“I think he just needs a drink,” Matt chimed in, putting his arm around his shoulder and pulling him away from the group before he could protest.

“Are you ok, though?” he asked quietly when they were out of earshot. “You’ve been zoning out a lot back there.” Matt shot a look back over his shoulder. “I think Sarah is kind of pissed. You should make it up to her later.”

“I will,” Shiro promised. Though, at the moment, he didn’t care about her at all. 

“So.. what’s wrong?”

“I’m just worried about Keith.”

“Maaaan,” Matt drawled. “This mentorship really got to you. He’s either brooding alone in his room or will be here later. Either way, you’ll see him when you get back to the barracks.”

“What if something happened to him on he way here?” 

“What are you? His mother? You said he’s a capable fighter.”

Shiro sighed. “You’re right. Sorry. I’ll try not to worry anymore.”

“That’s right! Also even _if_ he gets here, you should give the guy some space. Give him a chance to get to know some of the people on his own.”

Shiro chuckled, imagining Keith standing at the far end of the party with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at the crowd. Matt gave him a stern look. “Alright, alright. Now what about that drink?”

Shiro nodded, a grin still on his face as the two of them were walking over to table where all the drinks were stored. 

“Seriously, though, I’m totally going to kick Keith’s ass this year.”

“Sure thing, _Lance_.” Laughter. 

Shiro glanced around the corner, quickly finding Keith’s classmates sitting on a sofa not far away from them. The guy who planned to ‘kick Keith’s ass’ didn’t look as amused as the rest of the group. He mumbled something Shiro didn’t understand and stormed off. He ducked his head before any of the other cadets could spot him, listening. 

“ _Seriously, though,_ ,” one of the other cadets mocked Lance’s words. “Something must be done about Kogane. He makes us all look bad in comparison.”

“I’m sure cargo pilot has a real plan.” 

Again, laughter. Shiro felt Matt look at him sideways, but Shiro refused to look back, afraid what he’d be able to see on his face. Partly, because he wasn’t even sure how he felt. Part of him was proud Keith was doing good in class, but the way his classmates were talking about him also made him nervous. 

“It really sucks they didn’t just kick him out. Instead he gets to train with Shiro _regularly_! It’s unfair.” The girl was gesturing with her hands wildly. “He’s already ahead of us.”

“This guy just came out of nowhere and is now ruining everything. I mean.. who even _is_ Keith? My family’s always been in the military but I don’t get to train with Shiro. Even when he’s in sim class to help us all, he’s mainly helping _Keith_. I plan to talk to Iverson about this.”

Shiro swallowed nervously while gripping a glass and a bottle to distract himself with doing something. Had he really been that obvious? 

“Speaking of the devil, there he is.”

Shiro froze mid pouring, forcing Matt to intervene and take the bottle out of his hand. It also earned Shiro a raised eyebrow, but he was in no condition to react somehow. Keith was there. He’d been scared to come, scared to be unwanted and scared to get into trouble. But he still _came_ because Shiro’d asked him to. And now he’d run straight into these guys..

“Hey, Kogane,” one of the cadets yelled. 

“What.” Keith drawled. It wasn’t a question, just a basic acknowledgement that didn’t call for further interaction.

“Saw your sim stats. Tell me, did you train a lot during summer break?”

“Sometimes.” His voice dripped with boredom, but Shiro could tell he wasn’t as cool as he tried to appear. He set down his glass, ready to rescue Keith from being interrogated, but Matt gripped his arm to stop him. 

“Uh-huh.” The other cadet seemed to contemplate that for a minute. “Your stats are quite impressive.” 

“Thanks.”

“Would you answer just one more question for me?”

“Just get on with it.” Shiro could basically hear the eye roll. 

“How does Shiro’s dick taste?” All of the cadets burst out into laughter. Shiro on the other hand, felt his blood run cold. He was paralysed for a moment, frozen into place and unable to move. There was no reaction to be heard from Keith. 

“What’s the matter here?” It was Matt. Shiro hadn’t noticed how he’d left his side and went straight to the group of giggling cadets. They immediately grew silent. As the son of a Commander and senior, Matt was well known among the Garrison students. No one wanted to get on his bad side, that much was for sure. 

“We’re just having a bit fun,” one of the girls chimed in when no one else said something. 

“Fun? Sounded more like you were just disrespecting two other students, one of them being a future officer, no less.” 

The room had gone deadly silent, even though the music was still on. Shiro could only imagine their faces, though he couldn’t care less about them. He only cared about Keith right now. 

_”You really care about this boy, don’t you?” His childhood friend had asked with a warm smile shortly before Shiro had to go back to the Garrison._

_“I do.”_

“Come on, Keith,” Matt said. Only seconds later they passed by Shiro, who took a few deep breaths before hurrying after them into a quieter area.

***

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I asked you to come here.”

“Still doesn’t make it your fault.”

Shiro wasn’t so sure about that. He knew some of the younger cadets, had sometimes indeed helped them during their simulations.. maybe he _had_ been too obvious. Maybe he’d been there too often, helping Keith.. although Keith obviously didn’t need that much help. 

Shiro’d had all summer to come to terms with his feelings. He _liked_ Keith. He’d decided not to act on it, though, since he wasn’t sure if Keith felt the same and didn’t want to scare him away or creep him out...   
Furthermore, the Garrison was a military facility and it still held old fashioned standards of masculinity in high regards.. Shiro was a bit worried about how others would perceive him if they found out he liked another boy. The way the other cadets had tried to humiliate Keith today spoke volumes.. Shiro looked at Keith, who was sipping at his beer absentmindedly. His face was guarded, he realized. He also realized that Keith hadn’t worn that face in a long time when they were together and it made his stomach churn that today’s events had brought it back. 

“You know, Shiro actually invited you here to have some fun, not to run into your asshole classmates.” Matt adjusted his glasses. “Although I enjoyed my hero moment.”

Keith snorted. “Glad someone got something out of this party.”

Matt grinned at him devilishly. “Oh, I’m not going to be the only one. Trust me.” He then looked at Shiro. “Let’s get this party started.”

Keith looked at Shiro with a frown on his face, Shiro could see that clearly out of the corner of his eyes. Matt was smart and ambitious, but he was also wild on parties. Shiro knew that it wouldn’t take him long to lead this party into another direction and to divert the attention from what had just happened. 

While Keith and Shiro just looked on, Matt went into action. He’d gotten a change of music - more catchy tunes - and had provided most of the guests with booze. It hadn’t taken long for the first guests to start dancing and the little quarrel from earlier was soon be forgotten. 

Keith didn’t like to dance, so Shiro decided to keep him company on one of the sofas that had recently been abandoned. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the luxury of being alone for too long. 

“I haven’t seen you in _ages_ ,” Sarah plopping next to Shiro, giggling right into his ear. He chuckled nervously in return. She was clearly tipsy. “You ran out on me pretty quick. So.. tell me, what have you been up to?” 

“I.. have been pretty busy, I’m sorry.”

“Mhm, I’ve heard.” She lay her head on his shoulder, blinking up at him. She’d never been that cuddly before. 

“I gotta go.” Keith almost jumped up from the sofa all of a sudden. 

“What? Wait! I’m gonna go with you.” 

“No need. I’m just not.. a party guy. Stay. Have fun.”

He didn’t even wait for an answer and Shiro was left staring at him as he walked out the door.


	13. Meteor Shower

Shiro laughed at Matt’s overly dramatic yawn. “Come on, it’s not that late.”  
“It is.”  
“You wanted to come with us, remember? No one forced you.” Keith’s amusement was obvious in his voice.  
“Just because I thought you were going to do something _fun_. I didn’t know you just wanted to sneak out to see a meteor shower. Like. We haven’t seen a millions of those already.” Matt sat up with a huff. Shiro and Keith on the other hand were still lying down on the rooftop, looking up at the sky.  
The last two weeks had been somewhat tense between them. After the party, Shiro’d felt like Keith had been avoiding him Which had been tricky because they now shared a room, but Keith was always out and often sleeping when Shiro came home late. With the semester starting, though, they’d both been busy.. still, it felt like there was something else going on. 

Iverson had asked Shiro to join Keith’s class for another sim session, but he thought it better to decline. He had no intention to add more fuel to the flames, of making it even harder for Keith.  
And for possibly complicating things between them.  
He didn’t want to risk losing him as a friend and after two weeks of next to no communication, he’d deemed it necessary for them to spend some quality-time together. Matt, who’d caught wind of his plan to sneak out late, decided to come along. Although, he hadn’t known where they were going.. Matt was just like that and Shiro was actually glad he’d decided to come with them. Somehow it made things feel less awkward. He needed to reconnect with Keith but.. watching the stars together? Could be a totally normal thing to two for two students of a space exploration center. Shiro had failed to realize until they had already been up on the roof, though, that, in a different context, someone could think this sounded like a date.  
Not that he minded. But with everything he’d heard on the party, he didn’t want to make Keith feel uncomfortable. 

“We could still go to the city.” Matt mused, already getting up.  
Shiro pulled him back down by his collar, laughing. “You stay here and watch the sky with us. You can moan all you want about it but in the end you’ll be happy you stayed with us.” Shiro knew Matt long enough to know his words were true. Matt _loved_ meteor showers. Shiro understood why. It felt like something magical every time.

So they just lay there, Shiro’s chest feeling warm whenever Matt’s complaining managed to make Keith laugh. For once, because Keith opening up to Matt and feeling more comfortable around him was a really good thing, but also because Shiro hadn’t heard his laugh in a while.  
Right before the last semester had ended, Keith had decided to take more classes to be able to graduate earlier. Shiro had encouraged it. He was sure Keith could to it and after the party, he welcomed his decision even more because it meant he wouldn’t spend that much time with his asshole classmates. It also meant he had less free time to spend with Shiro, though.

“..Is he asleep?” Keith asked when Matt had been silent for a few minutes. Shiro turned his head to his left to look at an indeed sleeping Matt. He chuckled.

“That’s Matt. He can fall asleep _everywhere_.”  
Keith snorted and Shiro turned his head to the right to look at him.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Keith smiled at him. With some relief Shiro noticed that he didn’t wear his guarded face today.  
“How are you?” It was a question he hadn’t had the chance to really ask for a while now. He realized it was a loaded question from the slightly wrinkled area between Keith’s eyes.  
“Ok…ish. You?” Keith turned his head towards the sky, breaking eye contact.

“I’m ok. What’s wrong? Okish doesn’t sound too good.”

“There’s just.. a lot going on.”

The sound of that immediately got Shiro worrying. 

“How are your classmates treating you?”

“Why?” Keith didn’t look back at him and his tone had become somewhat flat, guarded and. Shiro knew he was diving right into an unpleasant topic, but he needed to know. They had to talk about it at one point, so better now before the whole thing would poison their friendship.

“You know why.”

Keith stayed very still for a moment, just staring at the sky. Shiro had to fight his nerves to not start fidgeting. He knew Keith well enough by now to know that he would answer, eventually, that he just needed time to process.

“I’m.. sorry they talked about you like this.” Keith’s voice was extremely even. 

“What?” He hadn’t expected that. Frowning, he looked at Keith but he was still facing away from him. Why was he apologizing? Shiro wanted to tell him that he hadn’t done anything wrong, but before he could open his mouth, Keith spoke again. 

“I understand if you don’t want to be my mentor anymore. I know it’s a.. delicate situation.”

“Keith..” Shiro turned onto his side to get a better look at Keith, but kicked Matt in the process. He froze, but Matt only mumbled something incomprehensible and stayed otherwise fast asleep. Shiro relaxed again.

“Keith,” he started again. “I don’t care what they say. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does,” Keith hissed and Shiro’s stomach dropped. Shiro knew this was just a crush and that nothing would come out of it. But it would still hurt to discover that Keith was actually disgusted at a part of his identity.

“Is it a problem that..” he faltered, unable to find the right words for a moment. “I mean.. is it a problem that.. I mean.. the gay thing?” Those weren’t the right words, but Shiro’s head swam with nervousness right now and it made it hard to focus. It felt like he was asking a totally different question. 

“Yes.. I mean..” Keith huffed. Shiro felt a sharp pain in his chest. “I don’t care what they think about me. But.. you know how things are. I don’t want this to go badly for you. The Garrison is your dream and you owe me nothing. So I understand if you –“

“You’re my friend, Keith, and I won’t let you down because some assholes talk about us. Let them talk. I don’t care. The only thing that bothers me is that they use it as an insult.” Shiro felt like he was babbling, but he just had to say something, anything, to stop Keith from talking like he meant nothing to him. 

“Yeah..” Keith closed his eyes. “Apparently never gets old. But I really don’t want them to ruin your career.”

“I won’t let them ruin _this_.” Shiro said with conviction. There was a turmoil inside of him, questions rolling around inside his head. How could Keith think he’d just abandon him like that? Was Shiro’s career really his only concern? 

“Huh?” Keith opened his eyes again, but still didn’t look at Shiro. 

“Us.” Shiro licked his lips nervously. It felt like he was saying too much. “Our friendship.”

“Shiro.” finally, Keith turned his head to look at him. There was some raw desperation in his eyes. “These.. rumours. They really could hurt your career. What it Iverson hears about them?“

Again, the career. Shiro shrugged his shoulders a little helplessly. “I doubt it’ll reach him.”

It was a lie. Part of him was scared of the consequences.. But the truth was, he cared more about Keith right now. It was naïve, he knew that much.. but..

“As long as we are ok despite these rumours, I don’t really care. If it becomes too much, I’ll just talk to Iverson about it.” He had no idea how Iverson would react. He was sure this wasn’t the first time rumours like that occurred. Surely he could trust Iverson to know how to handle this?

“Either way, I won’t let you down. You’re my friend,” he said softly.

“You sure?” Keith smiled at him.

“Yes.” Shiro could feel his heartbeat vibrating in his temples. Keith broke eye contact again to glance at the sky.

“Oh, look!”

Shiro looked up. The first bright lights had appeared on the sky and he smiled. He turned around to shake Matt’s shoulder. It took him a while to actually get him to open up his eyes and stop whining, though, but he managed.

“It’s beautiful,” Matt whispered and Shiro chuckled lowly.

“Told you.”

“I’m sure you’re glad I stayed. It’s weirdly romantic.”  
It was.. lying here on top of a Garrison building late at night, watching a meteor shower.. Shiro was overly aware of Keith’s presence next to him. Matt’s words rang only kind of true. He was glad that his friend was here because it did spare him some awkwardness, but.. he also longed to share this moment alone with Keith. He felt a bit better now that they’d talked about it, but he still had questions he wasn’t ready to ask, yet. 

“God, just think about taking your girlfriend out in a night like this. Well, or significant other or.. whatever.. Just the two of you, kissing under the sky… ”

Maybe it was the stars ahead calling for a wish, maybe it was Matt’s words but in this moment, Shiro’s heart ached so much he dared to reach out with his hand very cautiously until he met Keith’s fingers. Keith flinched only slightly in return and Shiro was about to pull back and apologize… when he felt Keith putting his hand back to where it had been lying before. Shiro stared at the sky, but the moving lights began to spin right before his eyes. They weren’t holding hands, but they were close, touching.. and to Shiro, it was perfect. Matt babbled on and on about romantic date ideas and meteors but Shiro wasn’t really listening. He wasn’t sure Keith was, either, as there was no reaction to Matt’s words from his side. There was a flutter inside Shiro’s stomach and he bit the inside of his cheeks hard. He recognized it as something dangerous. After all, hope wasn’t easily put on a leash.


	14. Abstract

“I brought you coffee.”

“Thank you,” Shiro groaned as he put down his pen. He used his free hand to massage the lump on his neck that had formed from constantly staring down at his books. “You are my hero.”

Keith set the cup next to Shiro on the table, careful not to spill anything. “You’re just easy to please.”

“ _Or_ you’re just really good at saving me.” Shiro glanced over his shoulder with a wink.   
Over the last few months, their interactions had changed. Outside of their room, they barely talked or saw each other, aware of the way some people were looking at them. It was no big deal, as there hadn’t been a lot of opportunities to see each other anyway. Keith was busy with his classes and Shiro was deep in the process of his application for the Kerberos mission. But when they were alone in their room, they made the best of what little time they had. They often stayed up until the last possible minute to talk or met up during a longer break to watch a movie together. Keith enjoyed every minute of it. So far, this semester had been the most stressful, but also the best he’d ever had. And it was because of Shiro. Keith wasn’t alone anymore but it felt like there was more to this.   
Lately, their interaction had become more.. flirtatious. Keith wasn’t sure if Shiro was just teasing or flirting in earnest. As far as he knows, no one had ever flirted with him before, but the way Shiro acted had gotten him thinking. More than thinking, actually. More than once Keith had found himself in a dream that solely revolved around Shiro, around _being_ with him. After waking up, he usually felt ashamed and stupid.. but then Shiro said or did something nice and it had him wondering again.. what if Shiro liked him? Not to mess it up was still his first priority and he was anxious to do something wrong. Anxious to lose Shiro because this was just teasing between two friends and nothing more. So he did nothing.

“Maybe.” Keith gave him a lopsided grin in return. “How’s it going?”

“Terrible. I’m not even close to finishing this abstract and I’m way behind my schedule.” 

Keith looked at Shiro in his tiny castle of work utensils. His laptop, books, paper, pens, sticky notes.. still, Shiro had managed to make it look tidy. “Guess you’re in for a night shift, then.”

Shiro let out a sound that was between a groan and a sob. “What if that’s not enough? What if I mess it up?” He raised his hands in a melodramatic gesture, but Keith knew him well enough to know there was some actual fear behind his words. 

A fear Keith knew all too well. “You won’t.” He was sure of that. Shiro would fly to Kerberos. A thought that sometimes kept him awake late at night. He’d be gone for _months_. 

“You don’t know that.” Shiro looked at him with a slightly pained smile. “I’m not sure this was a good idea. I’m not sure my equations are right.” He looked back at his laptop and winched at the movement. He reached up to rub his neck once more. “It all looks wrong to me. And everything hurts.”

Keith walked up behind him and swatted at his hand. Before Shiro could turn around to look at him or say something, he put his own hands on his neck and started massaging lightly. Shiro immediately relaxed with a sigh and Keith didn’t fight the smile forming on his lips. 

“Either you two get a room or you’re massaging my neck next.”

Keith winched at the sound of Matt’s voice and Shiro went rigid under his hands when he accidentally pinched him. 

“Oww..” 

“Sorry!”

Keith cursed himself silently. He hadn’t even seen Matt lying on Shiro’s bed. Or.. he _had_ seen him but had only had eyes for someone else, so his brain apparently hadn’t bothered to really process Matt’s presence. 

“I’ll survive.” Shiro grinned at him over his shoulder before looking at Matt. “First of all, you are in _our_ room, so technically, we’re way ahead of you. Second, sorry, but I don’t share.”

Matt threw a pencil at them without even really looking up from his book. Shiro caught it out of the air with ease. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone before I get cavities. I need another book from the library anyway.” With a dramatic sigh, he pushed himself from the bed and winked at them. Keith forced himself to keep eye contact and a straight face, even though he felt his cheeks colour slightly. He never really knew what to make of Matt’s quips. Was it the same kind of teasing as Shiro seemingly flirting with him? Keith tried to get a look at Shiro’s reaction, but he just seemed extremely interested in Matt’s pencil. 

“Make sure he doesn’t relax too much. He needs some amount of adrenalin to function in situations like that.” Matt said before he left the room. “And I’ll be back in a bit.”

Keith put his hands back on Shiro, massaging the place where his shoulders met his neck gently with his thumbs. He felt him shiver slightly. 

“You’re really good at this.”

Keith grinned to himself and dug his fingers a bit deeper into Shiro’s muscles.

***

“Thank you, buddy,” Matt hugged Shiro with one arm before going over to Keith and hug him, too. Keith tensed visibly but patted him on the back.

Shiro smiled at them. The two of them were slowly becoming friends but he still noticed that Keith acted differently around him. 

Shiro pulled Keith into a tight hug next. “Thank you for making sure I didn’t die while writing this abstract.”

“Pure self-preservation.” Keith pulled away to smirk at Shiro. “I didn’t want to be a suspect when they found you dead in this room. Iverson would never drop it. ”

Matt snorted. “No worries. I would have helped you get rid of the body.”

“Thank you. Both of you. I feel so loved and appreciated right now.”

Keith smiled but wouldn’t meet his eyes and Shiro’s heart fluttered. He’d failed to reign in his hope. Instead, it had grown with every late night conversation, every hug, every accidental touch between them. He still wasn’t sure what to do about it. The paper weighted heavy in his hands. With a bit of luck, he would soon be going on a mission that would take him away for months. Time was running out.

“Don’t give us that kicked puppy look,” Matt snorted. “And by the way.. we should really get going. I want to hand in these papers and then go to sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept in _weeks_.”

“He slept on your bed two hours ago,” Keith stage whispered to Shiro and Matt glared. Shiro couldn’t stop a laugh from bubbling up his throat. 

“Yeah, let’s go before Iverson _does_ find a body in this room.” He pulled Matt at his sleeve as he walked towards the door. 

Matt went with him willingly and pulled his arm from Shiro as soon as they were outside. “It was just a cat nap.”

“You snored.”

“I _purred_.”

Shiro shook his head as he laughed. “Why am I even talking to you?”

Matt grinned at him. “Better get used to it. We’ll be spending a lot of time together. Man, can you believe we’re going to Kerberos?”

“We don’t know that, yet.”

“Come on.” Matt rolled his eyes at him. “Who else should be going? You’ve always been the most talented pilot in our class. I mean.. some people are just destined for this. Like.. Everyone knows Keith will be picked for a big mission at the end of his training.”

Shiro nodded. That was one of the reason his classmates were giving him a hard time. Thinking about them made mood drop instantly. 

“He’ll be alright,” Matt said evenly while looking at Shiro sideways. “While you’re away, I mean.”

“I hope so,” Shiro sighed. It wasn’t like Keith wasn’t able to defend himself or look after himself.. but Shiro wasn’t sure how he’d deal with his classmates when he’d be away for such a long time. It hurt to leave him alone like this..

“They’ve laid off quite a bit.”

“How do you know that?”

“I sometimes went to see him after his sim class.”

Shiro halted and stared at him. “You.. did what?”

“Yeah.” Matt righted his glasses. “I just wanted to make sure they stopped with this bullshit.”

“He.. never told me.”

“He didn’t always know I was there.” Matt grinned. “And I never made a big deal out of it when we met. I told him the sims were on my way to my next class.”

“Were they?”

“No.” Again, Matt laughed. “But he didn’t catch me lying.”

“Thank you.” Shiro smiled. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“That’s what friends are for, right? I just wanted them to let you two alone.” Matt looked down at his papers. 

“Really.. thank yo—“

“Stop it already!” Matt laughed. “It wasn’t a big deal, ok? Now let’s go. I finally want to sleep.”


	15. Bad Idea

_“Let’s celebrate!”_

It had been a bad idea. Shiro was standing on the dancefloor, practically clinging to Keith.

“It’s not every day you get chosen for an outstanding space mission!”

Shiro could feel Keith’s breath on his neck and it made his skin burn. His fingers were on Keith’s hips, touching, grabbing, and possibly bruising because he’d lost control over his hands. Keith had his arms around his neck, causing Shiro to bend down a bit. He was so _warm_.

_”What if we get caught?”_

_“You’re not even a student anymore in a few weeks!”_

_“What about Keith?”_

_“I don’t care. I want to go with you.”_

Shiro heard Matt cheering somewhere in the distance but he didn’t care enough to look away from Keith, his gleaming eyes and slightly opened mouth. His whole being came down to the feeling of his skin under his fingers where Keith’s shirt had slid up under Shiro’s touch. His arms shook with the effort not just grip and crush Keith against him. He was rapidly losing his self-control to his alcohol addled brain. He hadn’t planned on drinking, but Matt hadn’t stopped nagging them and after Keith had had his first shot of tequila, Shiro had surrendered. He had no memory of how exactly they ended up on the dancefloor..

_”I thought you didn’t like to dance.” He grinned at Keith, who shimmied next to him. Keith stopped and grinned at him._

_“Shit, you’re right.”_

_Shiro doubled over with laughter. “Matt, did you.. did you hear this?” The whole thing was extremely funny to him. But Matt wasn’t next to him anymore and when Shiro looked around, he was nowhere to be seen._

_“Looks like we’re alone now.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Keith snorted._

_“Just us and like 300 other people.”_

_Shiro only grinned._

One of his hands shot up to Keith’s face and got lost in his hair only soon after. It was so soft, had an ideal length to be played with.. Shiro saw how Keith closed his eyes, heard his breath hitch in his throat even over the loud music. He could just lean down.. just a bit.. _I want to kiss him so bad._

_”It’s one of my favourite songs,” Shiro cheered. “Come on.”_

_Keith let himself be pulled along with a grin and rolled his eyes dramatically when Shiro looked back at him. The music pulled at Shiro and he gripped Keith’s hands to twirl him around. Keith’s yelp turned into a laugh as he did the same with Shiro. He had to duck a bit to dive under Keith’s arm._

Shiro let out a shuddering breath as his other hand roamed over Keith’s waist, his back. He seemed so small next to him, thin, but with a lot of lean muscle Shiro could clearly feel. Not that he needed to convince himself of Keith’s strength.. Keith’s touch wasn’t as bolt as Shiro’s, but it his intention was still made clear as he felt his arms around his neck pulling him even closer, forcing him to bend down a bit.

_They’d danced goofily for a while until the DJ started playing dreamy tunes and couples around them started slow dancing. Shiro had grinned at Keith and took a step forward. He’d been functioning on pure instinct this moment and only realized what he’d been doing when he’d already wrapped his arms around Keith and pulled him close. Over the top of Keith’s head, he caught a few people looking at them, giggling. Shiro buried his face in Keith’s hair to avoid looking at them again. It would only make him angry._

They were still swaying to the music but the people around them were completely forgotten. Shiro’s arms wrapped around his waist once more. He let himself be led down by Keith’s pulling arms, but tilted his head to press their foreheads together instead of doing something stupid. _God._ This was frustrating. His right hand moved over his back until it stopped at his neck, his thumb idly stroked the back of Keith’s neck. Keith shivered and Shiro revelled in it. He wished to touch every bit of his skin, not just the parts where his shirt ended. The Keith did nothing to push him away.

 _I’m his mentor. I’m going on a mission in a few weeks. It’s not fair._ His brain was providing him with a lot of reasons why exactly this was a bad idea. Unfortunately, his body wasn’t exactly inclined to listen to his brain right now. 

This was beyond innocent touches. His blood thrummed in his veins, trying to push him forward, trying to get him to _act_. Shiro wasn’t exactly inexperienced, he knew how to make a move and, at this point, he was fairly certain Keith would not push him away. There was something between them, had been for a while now.. Right now, with the pushing beat of the music, the dim light and the alcohol in his system, Shiro wanted nothing more than to press Keith against a wall, kiss him, _ravish_ him.. pictures of the scene flashed before his eyes as he looked at Keith.   
He looked beautiful and hot and..   
This was probably the first time Keith was even dancing with someone. 

Shiro swallowed hard and forced himself to close his eyes for a moment. What was he doing? There _was_ something between them. Feelings that had been built on the stable fundament of friendship.. They were both drunk, Shiro was still his mentor and he’d be away for at least six months.   
He could kiss Keith now and Keith would probably participate, but.. did Shiro want it to play out like this? Shouldn’t this be more special and wouldn’t it be better to talk to him after Kerberos when they actually had the time to explore this probably? With the way he felt about Keith, this deserved a better start than a steamy, sweaty make out session in the darkness of a club while both of them were drunk. 

Keith let out a tiny, low whine when Shiro pulled away. He looked confused, a bit dazed when he glanced up at him. Shiro missed the warmth of his body already. He opened his mouth, but no words would come. He didn’t know what to say.. 

“Keith.. I..” Shiro looked at him, feeling himself panic as Keith’s expression grew more and more guarded right before his eyes. He reached out to touch him, but stopped halfway through.. it had been hard enough to pull away in the first place. 

“There you are!” Matt suddenly appeared out of thin air next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you two.”

“Why?” His voice was thick and raspy. 

“Well, it was a fun night but we should have back before they notice that the two of you are missing. And you should at least get three hours of sleep before you have to get up, right?” 

“Let’s go, then.” Keith was passing by, but Shiro managed to catch a glance of him before his back was turned. The look of defeat in Keith’s eyes broke Shiro’s heart.


	16. Right Hand

Keith laid down his books on their desk, idly tracing Shiro’s side with his index finger. It was spotless and empty. Shiro was officially done studying and would come back from Kerberos with a higher rank. Keith sighed. His own semester had gone well, he’d passed all his classes and was about to graduate early next year. It was an achievement he should be proud of, celebrate even, but he didn’t feel like it and the last time he’d celebrated something had ended in.. well.. it had left Keith more confused and frustrated than ever. While they’d been dancing, he’d been so sure there was more between them. He still wasn’t sure what it meant. The way Shiro had looked at him, the way he’d held him.. it had to mean _something_ , right? Keith had been happy while it’d lasted. And yet.. Feeling like this about someone was new to him, no one had ever talked to him about how to behave in such a situation, what to do. It was a new territory Keith walked on with unsteady legs. He wanted to talk about it, but didn’t know how and it felt like there was an unbridgeable wall between them every time they moved into that territory. The night they’d danced that wall had felt somewhat shrunk. Keith hadn’t had any words, so he’d tried to make up for it with actions: He’d tried to pull Shiro down, to kiss him, had tried to let his body speak for him. But Shiro had decided not to listen. 

Keith glanced at Shiro’s bed, which would be empty for the next few months. Already missing him felt pointless, yet it was what he did. A few more days and Shiro would be gone and Keith felt.. lost. He knew how he felt about Shiro, but wasn’t sure if he read too much into the way he acted around him. Maybe he was just being nice? Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt Keith’s feelings? Or maybe he didn’t even suspect a thing, maybe the whole thing had just been friendly teasing all along. Matt surely had teased them for being ‘like an old married couple’ more than once and Shiro’d always played somewhat along.   
Keith pressed his eyes close and scrunched up his nose. He felt stupid. He should be old enough to handle these things. 

Just a few more days. He’d have to spend the entire next semester without Shiro and Matt. At least he would be left alone and not get a new roommate, that much Iverson had confirmed. Shiro’s stuff would stay in his room (and he was not alone to ‘mess with it’, at Iverson had so nicely put it). Shiro had applied for a job at the Garrison and was likely to get it after Kerberos. At least that meant, Keith would still see him.   
_After_ Kerberos. 

He sat down on his bed with a huff. He needed to address his feelings before Shiro went to Kerberos.. Already he was feeling the symptoms of the lingering tension on his body and hadn’t been able to eat properly in three days. But he felt so helpless. What if he made a fool of himself? What if he _had_ read too much into it and Shiro didn’t like him like that after all? Would he still talk to him after the mission? Would he tell Matt so they could both have a good laugh at him? What if they both stopped talking to him altogether?   
Keith would be alone again.   
Was this worth the risk or should he just grin and bear it?

***

“What’s wrong?” Shiro closed the door behind him carefully. Keith was sitting on his bed, quick to turn his head away from Shiro’s view. But he’d already seen it, his eyes red rimmed and glassy.

“It’s stupid.” He tried to wipe his eyes discretely. Shiro took a few careful step towards him, but kept standing in front of the bed instead of sitting down next to him. 

“It’s not stupid if it makes you feel bad. Come on, Keith. I’m here. Talk to me?”

Keith hesitated. Immediately, Shiro mind started racing. Had he gotten into a fight? Had his classmates said something extremely insulting? 

“In a few days.. you’re leaving.” He tried to keep his voice even, but it broke with the last word. 

Shiro blinked at him, his mind coming to an abrupt halt. The last few weeks had been busy with preparing for the Kerberos mission and in what little time he had, he’d been obsessed with his feelings for Keith had how hard it was to leave him behind. It had gotten even harder after their little adventure in the club.. even though they both refused to speak about it. Shiro was scared to get the ball rolling without being able to stop it. There was an uncertain future once he got back and so much time between that. He wished he knew how to help Keith cope, what to say to make him feel better. He’d been left behind at home once already after all.. 

“It’s just going to be a few months, Keith.” Shiro looked at him with a gentle smile on his lips, although it felt forced. “You’ll be busy studying and getting even more far ahead of your bratty classmates and when I’m back, you’re going to be the best pilot at the Garrison. You could be my right hand in everything we do.”

Keith stared at his hands for a moment, before he gave Shiro a careful smile. “Who says I’m only going to be your right hand? Who says I’m not going to be the _leader_?” He teased, looking up at him. “I mean.. I beat you in the last sim, after all.”

“Beginner’s luck.” 

Keith slapped his leg, laughing. “You can’t blame everything on the fact that I’m a few years younger than you.”

Shiro stared over Keith’s head. “I can’t hear you from down there.”   
He drank in the laugh that elicited from Keith while dodging another hit against his leg. He caught the attacking fist easily in his own hand, holding it for a moment before looking at Keith in earnest. 

“You’re a great pilot, Keith. I know you’re going to be even greater when I come back. And I’d be honored to be your right hand someday.”

Keith stared at him a bit flustered, but didn’t attempt to pull back his hand. After a moment, though, Shiro felt his fingers twitch, so he eased his hold on him. Keith, though, still didn’t pull away. Instead he used his new won freedom to intertwine their fingers while looking up into Shiro’s eyes. Shiro’s breath caught in his lungs as his heartbeat sped up. Cautiously, he let his thumb caress the back of Keith’s hand. It felt intimate, close. It felt like Keith was asking a questions he didn’t know how to put into words. Shiro guessed he probably knew it wasn’t the right time to ask those questions as well as he did. 

“I’m going to miss you.” Keith averted his eyes, but Shiro could still see the flicker of sadness in them. 

“I’m going to miss you, too, you know? Especially because there’ll be no one else but Matt with his constant chit-chatting.” Shiro smiled at him. It wasn’t why he was going to miss Keith at all, but he was sure they both knew that. He wished he could just tell him that he’d miss him because he’d become one of the most important people in his life, because he wanted to be close to him _all the time_ , because he’d fallen for him hard. But he was too scared what it would mean for them.

Keith was smiling cautiously. “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

“Oh, I do. But I also like our quiet moments.”

“I’ll be careful not to talk too much once you are back.” 

“Please, no! I want to talk to you all the time once I’m back home.” _And we do have much to talk about._

Keith’s smile grew a bit wider. “You’re going to have a lot of stories to tell.”

“I promise to tell you everything about every rock I’ve seen in great detail.”

Keith laughed. “Don’t act like this isn’t a big thing. _Kerberos_. It’s the farthest anyone has ever travelled.”

_Yes, I will be the farthest away from you as humanly possible,_ Shiro thought. 

“It _is_ a big thing. Or at least it will be in the history books one day. But.. I imagine flying for month to extract some probes could prove to be a bit.. dull in reality.”  
“I don’t think so. Matt will probably start some weird space party.”  
Shiro laughed wholeheartedly. “But I’ll have no one there to dance with me.” He froze when he realized what he’d just said. It was another thing they hadn’t talked about, yet. “I mean…”  
Keith stood up and suddenly pulled him into a hug. Shiro’s mind went blank for a moment. Slowly, Keith started to sway in his arms. It took him a moment to realize what he was doing before he moved along to some slow, imaginary music, a smile plastered on his lips. It was different from the last time they’d danced, more controlled, innocent.. Shiro wished he could hold him like this forever, but it only lasted a few moments before Keith pushed away slightly.   
“When you come back home, I’ll throw you the biggest party and we can dance all you like,” he said, not looking at Shiro. “And in the meantime.. well, you can still have space parties and dance with Matt.”  
 _He’s not you._ Shiro thought.   
“Well, at least now I have something to look forward to,” he said instead with a smile.   
“Dancing with Matt?” Keith smirked.  
Shiro laughed and shoved Keith lightly, who let himself fall back onto the bed with a grin. The sight of that simple action forced Shiro to fight the urge to just let himself fall next to him, to pull him close once more.. but no, the situation wasn’t easy for Keith either, it wouldn’t be fair to add to his inner turmoil like that. So he just smiled.   
They’d talk about it once he got back.


	17. Rocket

He was on autopilot. Shiro hadn’t been able to sleep much the last night, but he was way too nervous to register his tiredness. The morning had passed by in a rush. He was wearing his new grey uniform for the first time and everyone he’d met so far had commented on how good he looked in it. Not that he’d had much time to talk to anyone.. he’d been ushered from room to room for hours. There’d been a photo shoot, and a short interview. Shiro had no recollection of what he’d said, but Matt had given him a thumbs up in the end so he probably hadn’t messed up too bad. 

Shiro looked at the door ahead of him. Behind it was a secluded room where the crew was supposed to say their goodbyes to their families and closest friends in private. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath as the reality of the situation was catching up on him. There was no going back from this point. It was finally happening. The big mission to Kerberos he’d worked so hard for. It was only _minutes_ now before he’d enter that rocket he’d stared at in awe for the last couple of months.

Matt and Commander Holt were already there. Matt’s sister practically clung to him, it was obvious how hard it was for her to let him go. Shiro glanced at Mr. and Mrs. Holt but quickly looked away when he realized they were kissing.  
When Shiro looked around his heart sank. There was no one else there, he was standing in this room all alone, all by himself, with no one to bid him farewell..  
He’d had an argument with his parents a few days before. They’d still been strongly against him going on that mission and had threatened not to come should he decide to go anyway. He hadn’t thought they’d actually go through with it.. His parents had never understood why he acted so withdrawn around them, how they drove him away with their need to control his actions. 

The door opened another time as Matt’s grandparents entered and the whole situation became even more emotional. His grandmother was clearly worried, unwilling to let his son or grandson leave. She hadn’t decided to manipulate them, but to come and support them. Shiro sat down on a sofa and closed his eyes. He was glad that aside from the Holt’s, no one was here to witness this.. him sitting alone in this room with no one to say goodbye. He’d said goodbye to his friends the night before so he didn’t expect any of them to show up. After all, the last minutes before a takeoff were usually reserved to family. He tried not to dwell on it too much. It wasn’t like he was all alone in this world, he’d just said his goodbyes earlier..  
He’d just sit here and wait until it was time to go.. 

“Hey.” 

Shiro’s eyes snapped open. “Keith?” He hadn’t even heard the door opening. 

Keith smiled at him a bit shyly. “They didn’t want to let me through to you but.. I didn’t really get the chance to say goodbye this morning and I.. I’ll go if it’s too much.” He looked so unsure of himself, but Shiro couldn’t help but smile because the same time it was easy for him to imagine Keith arguing with the men and women in charge to let him pass just so he could say his goodbye. Shiro was up on his feet in an instant, pulling him into a tight hug. “Thank you for coming.”

“Are you sure?” Keith’s voice was muffled against his neck, his breath ghosting over his skin. 

Shiro nodded as an answer as words were failing him. Keith had chased away all the tension and sadness he’d felt mere seconds ago and he wished he could just hold onto him and stay like this forever. Keith had this effect on him..  
But time was short. As if on prompt, a quacking voice came over the loudspeaker, telling them they had two more minutes.

Shiro straightened a bit to get a look at Keith. His face was so open right now, hopeful, and Shiro tried to memorize every detail. The way his lips curved into a small smile, the way his eyelashes brushed his skin every time he blinked.. he leaned down and touched Keith’s forehead with his own, his hands reaching out to cradle his face. The way Keith’s breath hitched made his pulse speed up, but he tried to remain calm and kept telling himself this was neither the time nor the place. The way they were standing together was probably already drawing attention.. Shiro was aware that Iverson and another Commander had already entered the room to accompany the crew on their way to the rocket.

“Shiro.. I.. need to tell you..-“

“Can we talk when I get back?” Shiro whispered, hopeful that at least his words would be heard by Keith only. He hesitated, but then Keith’s forehead rubbed against Shiro’s as he nodded. 

“Sure..”

The loudspeaker told them it was time to leave _now_ , and Shiro’s heart jolted in his chest painfully and he pulled Keith close one last time. Never before had he felt so torn. He’d wanted to go to space since he’d been a little boy, he’d worked hard for this mission, and now it was finally _happening_..  
But then there was Keith, right here in his arms and a part of him wanted to stay, wanted to talk. He wanted to figure out this thing between them..  
But now it was too late. 

“I have to go.” He let his hands fall lax to his sides and took a step away from Keith. A simple step that hurt more than he’d anticipated. He could feel the tension build up behind his eyes.. _It’s only for a few months,_ he told himself. _No need to cry._

Keith grabbed his right hand and squeezed it almost painfully as soon as Shiro let go of him.

“Come back safe.”

Shiro gave him a lopsided grin. “I will.” 

Keith released Shiro’s hand from his death grip only reluctantly and Shiro took one last good look at him before turning away. 

Shiro fell back into autopilot on his way to the rocket. The crew boarded and sat down in their seats. Shiro fastened his seatbelt.. 

“And? Still a coward or have you at least kissed him goodbye?”

“What?!”

Matt laughed. “Come on. I’m not blind. It was almost painful to watch your pining two the last couple of months. So.. did you kiss him?”

Shiro just stared at him. 

“No..,” he said very carefully. 

Matt’s frowned at him. “Why?”  
“I.. it just wasn’t the right time. We’ll talk once I get back and then.. figure things out, I guess?”

“Man, I hope you will.”

“Are you.. cool with this?”

“Of course!” Matt looked at him in surprise. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Shiro chuckled in relief. “I don’t know..”

“You really don’t have much confidence in me.”

“Sorry,” he grinned at him. 

“I mean.. I was the one looking out for your boyfriend. I saved him from his classmates!”

“He’s.. not my boyfriend.” The word felt strange in his mouth, but in a good way. 

Matt shrugged his shoulders. “He’ll be once you get back. Just don’t be gross around me, ok?”

***

Keith watched with sweaty hands as the rocket finally launched.

***

He’d studied hard, trained hard, stayed out of fights and ignored all the stupidity his classmates were throwing at him.. He’d had a goal. He’d wanted to greet Shiro with what he’d accomplished when he got back and he wanted him to be proud. What would he think of him, now?

Now he just sat on his bed, staring at nothing, feeling nothing. The numbness felt wrong though he knew once his brain decided to leave him to the pain, he would wish for it back.

_Pilot error._ The words flashed before his eyes every time he closed them, bright and big and unwavering. 

It didn’t feel real. It _couldn’t_ be real. Something else must have happened out there, something bad, Keith could practically _feel_ it.. Shiro was too good a pilot to crash. Kerberos was a long mission, yes, but it wasn’t exactly tricky. As a pilot, you needed to be persistent, but that was it. Shiro’d said as much himself. Otherwise they wouldn’t have given that mission to a pilot that young. No, they were hiding something, just like they had when his dad had vanished.. 

Keith pressed the heels of his hand against his eyes until he saw white, until _pilot error_ was erased. He took a shuddering breath. Was he being paranoid? 

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He felt the tears well up behind his eyes but he refused to cry. Not here. Not yet. He had to pack his stuff and leave before he was being removed. He didn’t want to give his classmates the satisfaction of seeing him dragged off campus. Although he wasn’t sure they’d dare provoke him after what he’d done. He wondered how the story would change with time. Would his character grow bigger in younger student’s imagination, would he break Iverson’s bones instead of just punching him in the face? Keith knew he’d screamed at him until his throat felt raw, but he didn’t exactly remember any of the words he’d said. Except that he’d called the Garrison a bunch of liars and he hadn’t stopped accusing them until he was dragged away to the nurse to sedate him. Afterwards, he’d been ceremonial told to leave.  
He’d messed up after all. 

Keith sniffed as he grabbed his bag to pack up his belongings. He’d only ever owned a few things. Mostly clothes, a few old pictures of him and his dad, his knife.. it only took him about two minutes to pack it all up and get ready to leave.  
When he stood at the door, he took another deep breath before looking back. His eyes fell on Shiro’s neatly made bed and his chest cramped up. And suddenly leaving the Garrison felt like leaving Shiro behind.. it was like a painful stab to the stomach.  
It was stupid. Staying here was futile. Shiro would never walk through that door again, never walk around on campus, never smile at him again.  
Shiro was gone. 

Keith took a deep breath and pressed the air into his lungs with all his might. He couldn’t allow himself to break down now. Not here.  
Not in a room that was no longer his, the room he’d shared with Shiro. He willed his breath out of his lungs as evenly as he could, but it still sounded shaky.  
Keith couldn’t leave like that. He needed something tangible to remind him of Shiro, to prove that there had been someone he’d cared for and who’d cared for him. Even if they’d never gotten the chance to talk..  
Keith heard footsteps in the hall and his bag hit the floor with a low thudding sound as he practically ran the few steps to Shiro’s closet. His heartbeat was overly loud in his ears as he rummaged through his stuff. He needed to be fast.. In the end, he took a few of Shiro’s clothes. He recognized the shirt as the one he’d worn when they’d watched the meteor shower.. Keith’s hand twitched with the memory of almost holding hands with Shiro that night. He swallowed the sob that threatened to leave his throat. He needed to stay busy. 

Keith walked back over to his bag and hectically stuffed Shiro’s clothes on top of his belongings. He needed to leave or he’d break. 

He had nowhere to go but the shack. At least, it was the only place apart from the Garrison that was somehow linked to Shiro now. It always came down to the shack.  
Once again, Keith would be sitting there all alone, waiting for someone to return who’d never come back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to Shanifee for bringing me noodles today ( I need carbs to write!) and to everyone who left kudos and comments :) you really keep me motivated!


	18. Sacrifice

His body shook with cold waves, his hair stuck to his face with sweat. He’d been out in the sun for too long, searching, and his body was yearning for relief from today’s heat, but the thin walls of the shack did nothing to protect him from it. He knew the symptoms of a sunstroke and he knew fever wasn’t a good sign. He didn’t care.   
Glassy eyes found the pin board at the far end of the wall. It was plastered with sticky notes, photos, drawings.. If he was being honest with himself, he had no idea what he was doing. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He was probably doing it because he was going insane. _Something_ was driving him, but at least it gave him something to do. As long as he had something to do, he didn’t have to think, didn’t have to remember. As long as he had something to do, it didn’t matter that he was alone, with no direction or future.   
He could die here today and no one would even notice. No one would miss him. No one would remember his name.   
On bad days, he thought about just disappearing into the desert, lying down somewhere, delirious from the heat. It would stop the pain he felt constantly. 

But he kept going. He kept getting worked up over _clues_. He kept driving to the nearest town every few days for water to make sure he’d survive. The hoverbike he usually rode for those trips was an involuntary present from the Garrison. Just to be on the safe side, he only used it at night.. he didn’t need an open shop anyway. With no money, all he could do was refill a few cans of water in the public restroom. If the hunger got too much, he went hunting for small desert animals. He didn’t care for the taste, he didn’t really taste anything anymore either way. He was slowly dissolving, his life tinged in an endless grey. Only when he found clues, there were sparks of colour, of existence.. 

What would Shiro think of him, if he saw him now? When he closed his eyes, he could picture warm grey eyes looking at him with worry. He could almost feel strong arms wrapping around him in a warm hug, reassuring words being said close to his ears. 

_Everything is going to be fine. You just have to be patient._

It felt so real, so _Shiro_ that it stole his breath away when he opened his eyes again and was confronted with cold nothingness. Shiro was gone.   
Patience wouldn’t change that.

***

Shiro panted, the air burning in his lungs, the adrenalin rushing through his veins like a wildfire. He’d survived another fight. It was all that mattered. The masses roared in ecstasy and the echo of it shook right through him. It had been a good fight, which meant it was long, brutal and bloody. A sentinel came to lead him out the arena. Shiro’s shoulders sagged as the tension left him. At least, this seemed to have been the last fight for today.  
It had become a routine, somehow. The arena, the constant panic and fear, the pain.. All he did was trying to survive. Cautiously, he flexed the fingers of his right hand. It was still something he had to get used to. His arm was.. gone. The cold terror still hadn’t completely left him. The new arm did provide him with new skills, skills that had helped him survive in the arena. It had also turned him into something that was part Galra. Part monster. If there was still another part left..  
When the gates opened and he was supposed to go back to the slave quarters, he tried not to look back. He remembered hearing somewhere that the first kill was the hardest, that it would get easier after that. Shiro had found that was a lie. But the hardest part always came after a fight.

The moment he entered the quarters, he was met by the sad, knowing eyes of the father whose son he’d just killed before the big, finale fight. Shiro could only look away. It always came down to them or him. Shiro had been quick to learn that.. Sure, he could die in their place, but they’d only end up dead in the next fight. It hurt, but he’d chosen to sacrifice their lives for his survival instead. All he could do was end their lives as quickly and painless as possible.. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, never to receive an answer. He knew there was nothing he could say or do to make him feel better. Not when there was still his blood drying on his clothes.   
He walked over to the far end of the cell and sat down. He wasn’t exactly sure anymore _why_ it was important to stay alive. In the beginning, he’d fought to get back to Earth, to warn everyone about the looming threat the Galra posed to their lives, to get back to Keith and bring him into safety.. Now, his life before the Galra often seemed like nothing more than a smudged picture. Shiro had become more stimulus-response than thinking or feeling.. Sometimes, he wasn’t even sure his life before the Galra was real, that this _Keith_ that sometimes invaded his thoughts was real. He wouldn’t put it past Haggar to ingrain him with some false memories just to torture him. When he tried to remember Keith’s face, his features got blurry quickly. He couldn’t even remember the colour of his eyes and the more he tried to focus on something, the further it slipped away. 

Shiro shivered. At least he knew Matt was real as his existence had been confirmed by several other slaves.. It was easier to remember Matt, too. The devastated look on his face when his father had been dragged away, the fear when he was forced to enter the arena.. Shiro remembered a much happier version of Matt from his time at the Garrison. He just wished Matt was here now, so he could ask him if any of it had been real. He blinked up at the ceiling, his eyelids growing heavy. There still was some time before they’d be fed, so he allowed his mind to slip away and get some rest. 

_He remembered killing his first opponent, the shock of what he’d just done sinking in. He’d sat on top of the dead body, his hands still around his throat.. when suddenly, their places swapped. He was lying on the ground in the middle of the arena, watching in horror as the face of his victim melted above him while his hands fell away from his throat. Shiro took a deep breath, staring up at a familiar face.  
_ ’Keith,’ _he whispered. Keith opened his mouth to say something, but the roaring of the crowd was drowning out the words. Shiro watched as his own hand carefully raised up to push one of Keith’s wayward strands out of his face.. Keith smiled.  
He kept smiling as Shiro’s Galra hand closed around his throat on its own volition.. _

Shiro jolted awake with a scream. 

“Keith,” he whispered breathlessly into the darkness. Flashes of memories fluttering before his eyes. _Keith’s careful smile, the way he frowned when he was upset, how his hands shook when he was just barely managed to restrain his anger.._  
Every angle, every part of his face was suddenly so clear it made it hard for Shiro to breathe. Keith was real. He was real and he was in danger. Everyone on Earth was. 

He _had to_ keep fighting, had to find a way out of this. If need be, he was willing to sacrifice everything to get home.

***

Keith stood in front of his pin board, taking a look at the pictures he’d taken a few days ago. What were those cave paintings about? Keith sighed, scratching the back of his head. He tried to push the awareness of how weak and tired he still felt as far away as possible. Keith had no idea why he’d survived or why he was still going. Some weird energy was still pulling at him and making him tense and nervous when he remained in bed all day. So he kept searching. For what? He didn’t really know. It had something to do with a blue.. lion? All the caves, the drawings.. If he was reading them right, it was like some kind of old story or prophecy. Keith usually didn’t believe in fate or prophecies but what else was there for him to do? According to the drawings, something was about to happen in a few weeks. Keith scanned over his sticky notes. There were numbers somewhere.. coordinates, maybe? He had no idea.  
Keith swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. If Shiro was here, he could theorize with him over his findings. Shiro had always been good with connecting the dots and giving the input Keith needed to solve a problem.. With shaking hands, he took one of the sticky notes.  
 _I wish you were here,_ he scribbled before pinning it to the rest of the notes. Sometimes, when it all got too much, he wrote tiny messages or questions for Shiro, pretending that one day, he’d read them.  
Keith closed his eyes, but it did nothing against the tears forming behind his eyelids. There was no one here to hide them from anyway. No matter how hard he tried not to think about it, he’d still wake up at night, panting and sweating, with pictures of a crashing spaceship. Had Shiro been in pain before he died? Or had it been over in an instant? Keith balled his fists at his sides.  
He wouldn’t allow himself to think about that. If he thought about Shiro, it should at least be about the time they’d spent together. Those were the things he wanted to hold dear, to treasure. Keith took a deep breath and willed himself to think of his smile, his kind words..  
It still pained him, but when he opened his eyes, he was able to redirect them from the notes concerning Shiro.

Shiro wasn’t there. He was living with the stars now and Keith would go out into the dark every night to say goodnight.

***

Keith's heart threatened to explode inside his chest. All his other senses were drowned out as he, with a surprisingly steady hand, reached out to turn the man’s head around and get a better look at him.

“Shiro?” The air cut through his throat like a knife. He looked different. A white strand fell into his face, a scar on his face. And his arm..   
But there still was no mistake.   
It was Shiro.


	19. Future

His brain felt like someone was rapidly poking it with a knife. Had he been in a fight? He had no recollection of what had happened and these were the worst situations. Shiro was scared to open his eyes, scared of what he’d see. Had they experimented on him again? He remembered being strapped to a table and his stomach churned. Cautiously, he tried to move his limbs, to feel them. His legs seemed to be just fine, but his left shoulder hurt. If it was from an experiment or something else, Shiro didn’t know.. he couldn’t suppress a groan when he tried to move it again. 

“Shiro?” 

Shiro froze. It had been a while since he’d heard his name spoken like this. Softly, and in a familiar voice. It couldn’t be.. Shiro’s heart began to race in panic. Had they captured him, too? He kept his eyes pressed close.. but there was really no way to keep them like this forever. It wouldn’t change the reality he’d had to face eventually. 

Soft hesitant footsteps were nearing him, Shiro could feel a presence.. His mind immediately tried to come up with a plan. He’d decided that it was highly unlikely that the Galra had captured Keith. Even if they _had_ attacked Earth, even if they _had_ taken prisoners.. there were billions of people on the planet, so how high were the stakes of Keith being among them? And even if they _had_ taken him as a prisoner, why would he be in a room with him?   
Shiro balled his fists, ready to strike the imposter speaking with Keith’s voice.. when a gentle hand touched his forehead. It stayed there for a while, as if feeling his temperature, before moving to his cheek. Shiro felt the thumb caress his skin. He took a shuddering breath, his fists going lax and the hand on his cheek stopped. 

“..Shiro?” 

The hope resonating in the way his name was said vibrated in Shiro’s chest. He braced himself to be confronted with his own broken hopes once more, before he – very slowly – opened his eyes. 

“Shiro!” 

Shiro stared unbelieving at Keith’s face. 

“You’re awake.” This smile. The memory of it had been the only thing that had kept him fighting lately. _It couldn’t be_. 

“How..?” he choked out, not knowing how to voice his thoughts, his questions. 

“I.. don’t know. A ship crashed tonight in the desert and you were in it. The Garrison was there first but I.. I brought you here. I had help. Or, well, at least they think they helped me.” 

Memories of crashing on a planet, Garrison staff fixating him on a table, refusing to listen to him.. the images kept crashing over him like waves, pulling him under.. _they had him strapped to a table, they wouldn’t listen_.   
He sucked in a breath that deep it hurt and made him cough. Keith grabbed his shoulders immediately, pulling him up - _he wasn’t strapped down anymore_ \- into a sitting position and started rubbing his back in soothing circles. 

“You’re safe, I’ve got you.” 

Was this real? _Keith would listen to him._   
Shiro looked up at Keith once he’d caught his breath. He looked a bit thinner than he remembered, paler.. but it was Keith. He’d spent so much time with the ghosts of his memories that being right next to him so suddenly was.. too much. He’d clung to it, once he’d been able to remember him properly, but had almost given up hope of ever seeing him again. 

“I need..” Time. Time to think. “the.. bathroom?” 

Keith pointed at a door at the right. “Over there. There’s some water cans under the sink.”  
Shiro nodded. “Thank you.”

“Do you need help?” 

“No.. I.. thank you.” He got up on shaking legs, trying not to stare at Keith. _This is real_. 

He was aware that Keith was looking at him, but he couldn’t deal with this right now. 

He was on _Earth_. How on Earth…? 

Shiro leaned against the bathroom door as soon as it closed. He was back home. Back on Earth. How long had he been gone? 

He took a few steps and bend down to reach for one of the cans under the sink, opened one and took a few gulps. When he straightened up, his eyes got caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t help but stare. He barely recognized the man. His prosthetic hand reached up to take the white strand of hair between his fingers, then traced over the scar on his nose. _Hideous_. 

Shiro felt sick. He couldn’t take one more second in the same room as that mirror.   
He ripped open the door, staring wide-eyed at the room, at a Keith who was staring at him just as startled. 

“I need some air.” Keith only nodded, watching him go. 

Shiro filled his lungs with fresh air as soon as he was outside. A cold wind was blowing, which somehow helped to calm him down. He was back on _Earth_. It was difficult to comprehend. He had no idea how that was even possible, but somehow, he had escaped his prison. His eyes roamed over the scenery before him. The empty desert land, the way the sky showed the early signs of a rising sun.. it was beautiful.   
For the first time in a very long time, Shiro felt like he could just stop and stare for a moment. There was no immediate danger looming over his head, no fight, no chains.. He felt like he just could stand here like this forever, just drinking in the sight of what was before him. 

Shortly after the sun had risen, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“It’s good to have you back.”

***

_Defender of the universe._ Shiro smiled to himself. Once again his life had turned upside down.. he would have given a lot to just stay on Earth, just be _home_ , but he knew the Galra were dangerous to every living creature in the universe and that was pushing him forward. He would do spare others the experiences he had to endure during his captivity. He had a force at his side, a crew. He wasn’t alone. They had Voltron.  
Shiro looked up at a very tentative knock on his door. Maybe Allura wanted to talk some more about strategies?

“Come in.” But it wasn’t Allura who entered his room. 

“Hi,” Keith greeted. 

“Hi.” Shiro smiled at him. Seeing him still felt like a wonder and he had to force himself to not just stare at him in awe. 

“Can we.. talk?” 

“Sure.” Shiro scooted over a bit so Keith had enough room to sit down next to him on the bed. Keith sat down, but tried to make himself as small as possible. Shiro frowned.

“You’re back.” Keith stated without looking at him. 

“I am.” 

“I still.. I still can’t believe you’re real.”

Shiro chuckled, although it felt a bit painful. “Same here. I thought I’d never see you again.” 

He glanced at Keith sideways, saw how he swallowed hard, then nodded. There was something about him, some heavy sadness that clung to him, that hadn’t been there before. Shiro wanted to take it from him, wanted to see him smile.. 

Keith was biting his lips, Shiro could practically feel the tension radiating off of him. He had no words of comfort. Keith had been dragged into this unwillingly.. the moment they’d boarded the blue lion, their fates had been sealed and Shiro felt sorry for his team. His own life had already been a mess. But these guys? They’d had a chance of something normal. A future.   
Still, Keith had been the only one who’d immediately been all set on fighting the Galra and staying in the castle. Well, except for _Pidge_ , but Shiro knew she had their very own reasons to be out here. 

“I’ve missed you,” Keith whispered. Shiro could see how he fidgeted with his hands. Out of pure instinct, Shiro put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him a bit closer. 

“I’ve missed you, too.” He immediately felt a warm shiver run through his body once Keith bumped against him.. They’d once been so casual with touches.. but Shiro knew that was in the past. He wasn’t the man a drunk Keith had pulled down by his neck on the dancefloor, anymore, the man he’d laughed with while watching a movie. Shiro could barely stand to look at what he’d become in the mirror. He glanced down at his arm.. who needs a bayard? He was his own weapon..

Keith shook against him and when Shiro looked back at him, he could see how his eyes were pressed close, how his nose was scrunched up and his upper lip wobbled slightly. 

“Hey, hey.. It’s ok,” he tried to sooth him. The air rushed out of his lungs as Keith suddenly lunged at him, throwing his arms around his neck and pressing him close. Shiro barely managed to keep his balance. 

“I’ve got you.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat and pulled Keith even closer. He wasn’t even sure if he was able to breathe like this, but as long as Keith wasn’t going to complain, he wouldn’t let go. Having him in his arms felt too good to be true..Despite the way Shiro looked now, Keith seemed to have no problem with touching him. Maybe there even was even a chance he still.. Shiro tried to pull that thought as far away as possible. He knew he was damaged and wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to heal from what had happened. It wouldn’t be fair to just go back to where they’d been before Kerberos. They were in this impossible situation, far away from home in an alien castle, about to defend the universe with some space kitty transformer.. it sounded absolutely insane. And although Shiro wished it was different, he knew the truth and pretending there was still a future for them felt like lying to Keith. So he just contented himself with just enjoying this moment of closeness. He knew they’d be rare from now on. 

It took a while for Keith to calm down and Shiro only reluctantly let him go when he pushed away. Keith gave him a sad smile. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s been a rough few days.” 

Keith huffed, looking away for a moment. “More like a rough year.”

_A year._ Shiro swallowed. “What happened? Why did you get expelled?”

“I..” Again, Keith looked away, clearly embarrassed. “I kind of punched Iverson.”

“You..” Shiro laughed incredulously. “.. _why_?”

Keith took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes for a moment. “They told everyone you crashed.. and.. I didn’t believe them at first. They refused to give me any details about anything that happened. They expected me to just move on but I.. couldn’t. When I crashed in a sim, Iverson told me to get a grip and not make the same mistake as you. So I.. punched him.”

Shiro shook his head, although he could clearly imagine Keith doing it. 

“I told you to stay out of trouble,” he tutted playfully with a grin. 

“In my defense, I thought you were dead and beyond caring.” Keith smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Shiro’s grin turned into a grimace at the sight. 

“I’m sorry.”

“None of this is your fault.”

Shiro shrugged his shoulders. Keith was right, but he still wished he’d been there for him. Keith was a brilliant pilot, he could have had a great future at the Garrison. 

“And.. after you punched Iverson, you went to the shack and lived there for _a yeary_?”

“Roughly.” It was Keith’s turn to shrug his shoulders. 

“On your own?” – Keith nodded. 

“Wow.. I mean.. How did you survive?”

“I.. managed.” Keith looked at him nervously. “Look.. Shiro.. I know you’ve been through a lot and.. I just want you to know I’m here. Nothing has changed for me.”

Shiro blinked, an unpleasant knot forming in his stomach. There was a hidden message in Keith’s words that wasn’t too hard to understand. 

“I’m not the man you used to know, Keith.” Shiro said carefully, avoiding eye contact. He couldn’t bear watching his face, the hope, the _pain_ he knew still lingered there. 

“You’re still _you_.” Keith said with some conviction. 

Shiro shook his head. He was far from the man he used to be. The Shiro Keith had known had been innocent, open, and full of hope. That Shiro hadn’t killed dozens of people to survive.. and Shiro only remembered fragments of what had happened, he was sure he’d done even more repulsive things.   
A low buzz accompanied the prosthetic hand balling into a fist. He could see Keith watching it out of the corner of his eyes.. _You’re still you._ Not all of him, though. Soon, the way Keith saw him would change, Shiro was sure of it. He glanced at the metal of his arm..   
Hesitantly, Keith scooted a bit closer again and took the prosthetic hand into his own. Shiro flinched, but didn’t pull back as Keith carefully opened his fist. Seemingly encouraged by Shiro’s lack of resistance, he slid his own fingers between them. 

“Do you..” Keith licked his lips nervously. “..still.. like me?” 

Shiro contemplated lying for a moment, but decided that Keith deserved the truth. 

“I do,” he said, his face neutral. 

Keith pressed his hand. “I’m here.” 

The emotion resonating in his voice was almost too much for Shiro to take. He knew he wasn’t the same and was only to hurt Keith eventually. But he didn’t have it in him to argue with him right now. 

“Let’s figure this Voltron thing out, first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all those nice comments! :) I'll answer them soon, I'm just having a few very busy days and I'm only at my computer for a short time to post new chapters. but seriously.. thank you! you managed to make me smile and survive the day (wow, that sounds dramatic, but I'm sure you know what I mean)


	20. Horror

_Shiro was screaming himself raw but it was no use. He was helpless, completely at their mercy and only being kept awake so he could witness the sheer power they held over him. His body was no longer his own, he was no longer a person. He was nothing but a_ thing _.  
A thing that could only watch as the saw above him started to move, to lower towards his body. Shiro was breathing frantically, but no air seemed to reach his lungs. He was about to pass out, but knew at the same time, he knew that wasn’t a possibility. They had done everything to keep him awake during this. To have him _watch. __

_Lower, lower.. Shiro screamed again when, finally, the jagged blade connected with his skin. There was not a thing he could do and he was too drugged to feel it. He could just watch, as the saw went deeper, tore at his muscles and heard the sickening sound as it cut through his bone.  
Bile rose up in his throat as he noticed how his arm only hung on a simple string of muscle and skin.. until that was gone, too. _

_Shiro went silent as the reality of what had just happened dawned on him. The saw stopped tearing at him and moved back to its original position. He stared at the stump.  
One of the Galra stepped next to him, taking his right arm up as if it was nothing of importance. Shiro’s vision blurred and the Galra smirked at him. _

_“Once you wake up, you’ll be stronger than ever before.”_

_But Shiro just knew he’d never be whole again._

“Shiro! Breathe!”

Shiro snapped back to reality with a loud gasp as if he’d just surfaced after a long dive. He grabbed at the arms, holding him down. _No, don’t struggle._

“There you are, just breathe.” 

Shiro obliged. He could do this. He just needed to breathe, as he’d been told. 

“Look at me, Shiro.”

Shiro’s eyes rolled up to the source of the sound without thinking, simply obeying. _Keith_.

“Very good!” Keith was kneeling in front of him, looking down, smiling. Shiro wasn’t sure what was going on. Was he hallucinating? It wasn’t an unusual thing to happen, and Keith often was a part of these vivid images. 

“Focus, Shiro. Tell me something you can feel.” 

Shiro took another deep breath, trying to concentrate. _Just do what they say._   
“It’s.. cold,” he croaked. Again, Keith smiled. Shiro noticed that he was sitting on the ground and Keith’s hands were gripping his shoulders. No one was holding him down, forcefully. Breathing became a bit easier. Keith’s hands were warm. 

“Good. Now look around. What do you see?” 

Shiro shot a glance over his shoulder. “A.. hall. I’m leaning against a wall.” His voice shook.   
Keith gently smiled at him. 

“You’re hands are warm.” Shiro informed him. 

“That’s true,” Keith chuckled. Shiro relaxed a bit at the sound, slowly coming back to the presence, though the horror of his memory still clung to him. Without thinking, he reached further up and took one of Keith’s hand into his own. Keith let go of his shoulder immediately and let Shiro take it, He needed the physical contact, the reassurance that he was in the castle and not far away in a Galra prison, that it was _real_. That he wasn’t alone.

Very slowly, he remembered what had happened this evening. Coran had suggested some team building exercise everybody had agreed on with great enthusiasm: they should just relax and spend some quality time together. So Allura had dug out some Altean movie for them to watch. Shiro hadn’t mind too much that it was a horror movie. They usually weren’t his favourite, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who got easily scared. He’d enjoyed sitting close to Keith, had enjoyed hearing Lance and Pidge trying to distract Hunk from the scary scenes.. everything had been fine, until the sound of a chainsaw roared through the speakers. 

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said to Keith. He closed his eyes, not able to look at him for a moment. It was pathetic. He was about to become a liability to the team. He couldn’t even watch a movie anymore without breaking down.. and he was supposed to be a leader. 

“Why? You did nothing wrong.”

Shiro huffed. “I kinda ruined your evening.”

Keith was silent for a moment, just watching Shiro intently. “I’m.. you didn’t ruin anything. And the others didn’t notice.”

“ _How_ did they _not_ notice?” Shiro snapped. He let go of Keith’s hand and rubbed his face with a shaky breath. Keith didn’t deserve his anger, but he didn’t want to be lied to just to feel better. How could someone possibly not notice someone breaking down like this? 

“You were just.. breathing funny. I figured something was wrong so I told them I was going to get some food. I just.. pulled you along.”

Shiro let his hands fall from his face to blinked at him. 

“Seriously, they didn’t even look at us.” Keith looked away. 

“I was just.. breathing funny?” Shiro had expected screaming and yelling, crying even. He hadn’t thought those flashbacks just went through him in silent horror. He looked at Keith, who still wasn’t looking back at him.. He swallowed. Keith had been through a lot, too, and still his sole focus was on Shiro. He’d always been the one to catch onto his memories and flashbacks. So far, it had only ever been short episodes, but tonight.. tonight the memories had had Shiro in their death grip, refusing to let him go – and Keith had still been there. And in return, Shiro had snapped at him. An uneasy feeling was wallowing through his chest. He could apologize again, but the sound of that rang hollow in his mind. 

“Thank you,” he said instead as he pulled Keith into a hug. Keith relented to his touch and practically melted into him. The trust this simple action showed hurt deeply.. _I’m only going to hurt you._  
Shiro wrapped his arms around him tighter and pressed his face deep in Keith’s hair. If only they could be like this forever.. Shiro tried to memorize the feeling of Keith in his arms, unsure when the inevitable moment of rejection would come. 

“I could tell them you went to bed early. You don’t have to go back inside.” Keith’s voice was muffled against his neck and Shiro smiled sadly.   
He would have loved to spend some time with the team, could have used the distraction.. but an Altean horror movie hadn’t proved to exactly be the right thing for that and he didn’t want to risk another flashback. But he didn’t want to be alone, either. 

“Can we just.. stay here for a while?” _Can you stay with me?_

“’Course.” Keith tightened his arms around Shiro even more, pressing closer before letting go. He sat down next to him, putting his arm around Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro let his head roll against Keith’s and just enjoy the warmth of his body next to him. He closed his eyes, listening to the sounds around him. Somewhere, Hunk was screaming and Shiro grinned. At least it sounded like the rest of them were still – more or less – enjoying their movie night. They probably hadn’t even noticed they had been gone for what he figured was quite some time now. 

Right now with Keith next to him, he didn’t care. He had to enjoy this closeness as long as it lasted.


	21. Gladiolus

“The prettiest flower for the prettiest lady.“ Lance wiggled his eyebrows, but Allura just stared right through him with a bored expression and walked away. Keith shook his head in disbelief as he tried to suppress a grin. Since they’d arrived at the castle, Lance had tried to charm her. And just as long, Allura had clearly shown her disinterest. Pidge and Hunk smirked at Lance’s defeated look, but he quickly caught himself and picked even more flowers. 

“Well, I’m sure there’ll be some girls in the next village how can take to appreciate the beautiful things around us.” 

“Next village?” Pidge asked. “We don’t even know if someone’s living on that planet.”  
“Look at this beauty,” Lance said, opening his arms wide. “I’d totally settle down here.. With the right girl.”

“Me, too,” Keith admitted. Immediately everybody was staring at him. “What? It’s a nice planet,” he added somewhat tersely. 

“I don’t know, man, I just thought you were more of a desert flower, you know?” Hunk teased. Keith glanced at him, but the kind smile on his face showed no ill will. It was weird. Keith had never quite fit in no matter where he lived and even with the paladins he was clearly the one who stood out as the loner.. but he still had a feeling of _belonging_. Yes, they were teasing him and Lance in particular was forcing this weird rivalry thing on him, but he still felt like they actually wanted him to be here and weren’t just accepting him because they had to. Keith wasn’t alone anymore.   
And it was just not because Shiro was back. 

“I don’t know. If you want to settle down with a girl, maybe you should overthink your hairstyle, first.” 

Keith glared at Lance, but he only got a smirk in return before Lance turned around smirked. Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed Shiro shrugging his shoulders with a smile. Maybe he should think about a new hairstyle.. although it had never seemed to bother Shiro before. 

“Apropos flowers,” Pidge chimed in, ignoring Lance completely. “These ones look pretty familiar.”

The planet Coran had sent them to to retrieve some rare sand the ship apparently needed to function was almost.. Earth-like. There was a blue sky with white clouds, lush meadows… and a lot of flowers. Most of them looked alien to him and came in weird shapes or colours, but Pidge was right. The ones right in front of them did look familiar, even to Keith. 

“They almost look like.. Gladiolus,” Shiro said, inspecting the pedals. 

“I didn’t know you were a florist,” Keith remarked drily. It was a strange picture. Shiro standing there, surrounded by green. Keith had only ever seen him in the desert or the artificial lights of their room or the castle. Maybe it was the new lighting or if Shiro looked paler than he remembered. After what he’d been through, it would come as no surprise if he was.. 

“They’re my mother’s favourite,” Shiro chuckled. “It’s actually the only flower I know by name. Except daisies.”

“You know, the name actually comes from the word gladius, which means sword in Latin,” Pidge explained. 

“Doesn’t really look like a sword to me.” Keith frowned, taking a closer look at the flower Shiro had just plucked.

“Is it the same as a sword lily?” Hunk came over to look at it as well. Although there was a lot of free space, Keith suddenly felt crowded. He took another step closer to Shiro to escape that feeling. 

“What is that? Are we all staring at flowers now?” Lance had walked back over to them. 

“We’re just _appreciating the beautiful things around us_.” Pidge teased and Lance immediately sulked. “But yes, Hunk. Sword lily is just another name for it.” 

“Didn’t people think they were like.. magical?”

“Well, people thought a lot of things back then. Like.. a thunderstorm meant they’d angered the Gods. But yes, at least when it comes to the bulb. Soldiers would wear them around their necks for protection.”

Lance snorted and Keith just rolled his eyes in response.

“But the flower itself had a different meaning.” Pidge went on. “It wasn’t proper to speak about your feelings openly, so people let flowers speak for them. A gladiolus was a token of affection.. it symbolized the honour and pride the person felt to be even _allowed_ to love the other one.”

“Well, that sure is interesting,” Lance feigned a yawn. 

“I think they look like irises.” Hunk said, ignoring Lance’s lack of interest.

“Yeah, but Irises are names after the Greek Goddess of rainbows. I think being named after a sword is way cooler.”

“Aww.. there’s a Goddess of rainbows? That’s cute.”

“Sounds like a gay Goddess.” Lance snickered. 

Keith tensed, feeling thrown back to the Garrison for a moment. _Please_ … He wasn’t sure he would be able to see Lance as a friend if he chose to make fun of this. If the Garrison had been more about these things, there might have been a chance that.. 

“Any problems with this?” Shiro asked with a carefully even voice. 

“Not at all, my oldest sister is gay. Can’t wait to tell her she has a Goddess to pray to.” Lance grinned, but his face grew solemn quickly. Keith relaxed. He knew that Lance missed home.. they all did. Well, he didn’t, but then he was the only one who had nothing to go back to. All his _friends_ were here.. Shiro was here. Back on Earth, he’d always felt out of place, like he didn’t belong. The castle felt as closest to something like home he’d ever had since his father had vanished. 

Keith glanced at Shiro as he patted Lance’s back in a comforting gesture. He truly was the leader they all needed, but Keith wanted so much more.. It felt like a miracle that Shiro had somehow come back to him, that he was still alive. He’d been through a year of what-if’s, things he’d regretted not doing. _What if he’d told Shiro before the launch? Did Shiro even know he liked him? Would things be different, now?_   
Keith had already gone through losing Shiro and he wasn’t willing to let that happen again. He’d try to find a way to bridge the chasm between them, to show Shiro that nothing had changed for him.   
Keith still felt a little unsure of what to do, or how to go on about it. He wanted Shiro, more than anything. If Shiro didn’t like him the way he did, he’d content himself with just being his friend, even if it hurt. But he still wanted Shiro to know that he was _available_ and that he was willing to wait until he was told to back off. Well, and if he was told to back off, he still wanted Shiro to know that he was loved.   
Because Keith had noticed the all too familiar way Shiro was looking at himself in the mirror. 

“I think I’ve found the sand,” Allura called from ahead.

***

Shiro entered his room with a loud yawn. He felt tired and drained after a day of running around under the sun. Well, _a_ sun.

He missed home. There’d been a time when he was sure he’d never see it again.. but a part of _home_ was here on this very ship with him, now. Shiro sighed. He wished he wasn’t as broken as he was. He wished he could pick up where he’d started with Keith back before he went to Kerberos.. but it wouldn’t be fair, would it? He wasn’t the man Keith had known back on Earth.. although he wished nothing more than to be just that. Just go back to a life simpler than the one they were living now. 

He sat down on his bed and pulled off his shoes, then leaned back on his arms with another deep sigh. He felt so drained. If only he could sleep one night without nightmares.. He remembered Keith sleeping next to him one night after he’d dreamt of his sister. It had been comforting and he longed for his presence every time he woke up at night, bathed in sweat. If only they could share a room again.. but it wouldn’t be fair. Keith was still there, always ready to nurse Shiro’s wounds if necessary, always giving. And Shiro was only taking.  
He wasn’t even sure anymore if after all the stress he’d put Keith through with his various flashbacks, he still liked him. Maybe he was just there because Shiro needed him, because he felt _responsible_.. Shiro had thought he’d feel better once Keith understood that breaking any possibility of them becoming a _thing_ was for his own good.   
Now, the thought only pained him. But he felt like it was already too late to change his mind.

Shiro let himself plop back onto the bed. He felt heavy and his heart ached, but he knew he needed to will his mind to stop racing so he could at least get a few hours of rest. When he turned around to turn off the light, though, something on his pillow caught his attention. Something small, red.. Shiro stared at it, puzzled. Carefully, he took it into his hand.. just one small, red blossom. A gladiolus. A cautious smile spread on his lips. Red. There was no doubt who’d put this one into his bedroom. 

Shiro smelled the flower, the scent nothing but a gladiolus but it didn’t matter. It was close enough. A token of affection. 

_He hasn’t given up._. 

Maybe one day he would heal. Maybe one day.. If Keith was willing to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really tired and I can't spell gladiolus right.. so I hope word found all the mistakes. thanks to my roommate for buying me gladiolus (I just realized you told me about their meaning. hmmmm ;) ) and thanks to everyone who left kudos/comments! <3


	22. Pirates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little late to the party but here's the new part

Keith was staring at the knives in front of him, caught in a thunderstorm of thoughts. He happened to get lost in it a lot, lately. 

_”If I don’t make it out of here, I want you to lead Voltron.”_

The mere memory of those words cut Keith deeper as any knife ever could. It paralyzed his mind, froze the words on his tongue until his mouth felt numb. The thought of losing Shiro again, one way or the other, threatened to choke him. His mind was racing in desperate circles, asking questions he had no way of answering. Looking for answers felt dangerous altogether..

How did a Galra knife end up on planet Earth? What did it mean? Why did his father have it? And the loudest question in his head: Why and how exactly had his father disappeared?  
All those questions were slowly driving him crazy. He knew he’d been more cranky and tense than usual lately. He was aware that Shiro had noticed and had even tried to get him to talk about it. But Keith couldn’t.. partly because Shiro’s worry felt sour, like he didn’t really care about how he felt but more about if the way he felt would affect his performance as a paladin of Voltron. On some days, it made Keith feel heavy and bitter. On other days..  
Shiro’s actions confused him profoundly. For a while, it had seemed like Shiro was slowly opening up to him, like their interaction became lighter and more familiar. At the same time, Shiro warmed up to the rest of the team. He was the shining leader and Keith his constant shadow. He didn’t mind. Back at the Garrison, Shiro’d had a lot of friends and Keith had only just been the one who got dragged along occasionally. He wasn’t the jealous or needy type, he never felt the need to fight for Shiro’s time or attention and had always been happy with what he’d been willing to give. Shiro’d always made time for Keith and it made him feel somewhat special. Now, all Shiro thought about was Voltron and Keith sometimes felt like he just happened to be a random part of that puzzle.

The closer they got to Zarkon, the more singular Shiro’s mind became. He wanted to defeat him, wanted to save the universe and of course Keith wanted that, too. But he also wanted Shiro, badly. Looking at Shiro, feeling like he’d lost him on a totally different level, sometimes made the ache in his chest spread over his whole body. When it got too bad, he tried to fight the feeling on the training deck until he either felt numb or hurt all over.

Would it even make sense to fight for him, now?  
He had this nagging fear in the back of his mind. This growing suspicion.. what else could the blade possibly mean…? Allura’s stance on the Galra was clear and the rest of the team hadn’t been exactly keen on trusting Ulaz at first, either. How would they react if his suspicions were correct? Would they still want him around or would he lose their friendship and acceptance? Would the way Shiro saw him change?  
He swallowed hard against the feeling of his throat closing up.

A while ago, he’d allowed himself the tiny flicker of hope that with time, Shiro would want him close again.. now, their times spent together was often used to talk about strategies. Keith understood that they had a mission and he was all set on fighting Zarkon.. but right now, with this storm of fear tearing at him, he just felt a bit lost and wished he had someone to talk to. Back in the Garrison, Shiro had become his anchor and seeing him right in front of him while he felt like floating around aimlessly frustrated him to no end. If Shiro would at least show some consistency in the way he acted towards him, he might be able to get used to it. But while most of the time he acted more like a mentor than he ever had in the past, sometimes he did or said something that caught Keith off guard.

_”Hey there, space pirate!” Shiro grinned at him with a raised eyebrow._

_“Coran insisted on the outfit,” Keith huffed. He knew he looked ridiculous, but he didn’t really have a say in it. They had to go to the space mall and find some scaultrite lenses or else the next time Zarkon found them might be the last. Shiro still grinned as he walked around him, eying him up from all sides playfully._

_“Mh, I don’t know if I can let you leave like that. You look like a dashing rebel, I can’t allow you to steal some poor alien’s heart.”_

_Keith stared at him, unsure how to react._

_“Keith, are you ready? Coran is getting all antsy.“_

_“I’m coming, Pidge.”_

The way Shiro had looked at him.. there’d been something in his eyes. Or maybe Keith was imagining things. He sighed. At least he’d been able to get rid of the outfit as soon as they entered the mall.. Looked like ten thousand years had changed the place Coran had told them about quite a bit. Keith sighed.

_Focus._

He looked again at the knife the alien in the booth tried to sell with his weird show. Maybe he would get some answers here..

***

Shiro could still feel the battle with Zarkon in his bones, even if he’d just met him on an astral plane. Still, he was smiling at his team, happy to have finally found an answer to their problem. Zarkon was tracking them through the black lion. He could work on that, right? He could work on strengthening the bond. He had a plan.  
The black lion had chosen him for a second time, today. Chosen him over _Zarkon_. Something about that made him feel triumphant, happy… though the feeling subsided somewhat when he laid eyes on Keith. The smile on his face didn’t seem genuine and his whole body looked tense.. something was definitely amiss.

“What’s wrong?” he asked him quietly once they were alone in the room.

“Nothing, just tired.” He _sounded_ tired.

“Come on, Keith. Talk to me.” Shiro bit his lip nervously. Something was going on with Keith and he hated that he didn’t know what. He looked at Keith, the way he looked away, his arms crossed over his chest and slightly turning away from him.

Shiro’s heart ached seeing him like this. Had he done something wrong? It felt like Keith was slowly drifting away from him, putting as much distance between them as possible.

“I told you. I’m just tired.”

“Keith..” Shiro closed the distance between them and laid his hand on his shoulder. “I know you.. you’re not just tired. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But you don’t need to _lie_ to me.”

Keith’s face scrunched up and for a moment, Shiro was afraid he’d cry. _Come on, talk to me!_

But Instead Keith reached up and closed his fingers around Shiro’s hand. “Don’t worry about me,” he mumbled. “There are more important things to worry about right now.”

“What?” Shiro blinked at him.

“The universe. Voltron,” Keith drawled. He looked more tired than ever before.

“You’re a part of Voltron!”

Keith’s shoulders sagged. “Sure..”

Shiro felt like he was missing something, here. Something was going on, and being in the dark, he was clearly saying the wrong things. He gripped Keith’s shoulder harder, trying to put as much reassurance into the touch as possible.

“You are an important part of Voltron. And you are important to me. I want to be there for you.” Shiro swallowed. Keith had always been there for him, why didn’t he allow him to do the same, now?

Keith huffed as he let his hand slip from Shiro’s. The gesture brought him close to panic for a tiny moment.. it felt like losing him. 

“Keith..” He knew that saying his name over and over again wouldn’t change a thing, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“Just.. let it drop, Shiro.” Keith sighed and took a step away from him. “I’ll deal with this alone.”

And without another look back, he walked away.


	23. Knowledge or Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, it's blade of marmora time!

During his time as a Gladiator, Shiro had often had two kinds of dreams. One of them was Keith breaking down his cell door and rescuing him. The knowledge that it was nothing more than just a dream, and he would probably die in one of the endless, unfair fights without seeing Keith ever again had been enough to make his chest constrict with pain.  
The second dream was Keith fighting in the arena _with_ him. Keith was strong and extremely agile and Shiro had often felt his strength during their training sessions back at the Garrison. But he was also significantly smaller and Shiro felt himself dwarf against his opponents.. The dream usually ended with Keith being brutally slain and Shiro watching helplessly.  
He’d woken from these dreams screaming, bathed in his own sweat. The thought of losing Keith to the Galra felt like his heart was straight ripped out of his chest. He could live with never seeing him again, as long as he knew Keith was safe and far far away from the Galra. But this..

_“Shiro, you know me.” Desperate, pleading eyes looking at him from where Keith was pressed to the floor by the Garla. “I promise you I didn’t steal it. I’ve had this knife as long as I can remember.”_

It wasn’t like Keith to give up, Shiro knew that much. Cries of pain had been echoing through the room and Shiro’d had to force his eyes open to watch the fight before him. It was the scene straight out of his nightmares. An unfair fight against monsters taller and stronger than Keith. It could have ended right there.. 

_Knowledge or death._

Keith could have _died_ today during these trials.

_”Does this blade truly belong to him?”_

_“I.. I don’t know.”_

__

Would he have been sent to these trials if Shiro had backed him up? Keith could have died and Shiro felt like it would have been his fault.. but he wasn’t dead. He was standing right in front of him, _alive_ , warm and breathing.  
Keith hissed as he pulled the sleeve of his tight bodysuit down, pulling Shiro out of his thoughts. The fabric pulled at the scab and fresh blood trickled down Keith’s arm. The sight made Shiro feel lightheaded. The wound went deep, the amount of pain Keith had been in for hours now must have been immense. How he’d managed to get into his paladin armour like this was beyond Shiro.

He glanced at Keith’s hand pulling at the sleeve for a second. He remembered the day he’d shown his scar to him clarly.. so shortly after they’d first met. Keith had built a lot of walls around him, but for a reason Shiro didn’t fully comprehend, he’d quickly chosen to trust him.

He’d trusted him today, too.

_”Shiro, you know me!”_

Why hadn’t he backed him up on it?

Because he truly hadn’t known. He’d never seen this knife before. But he knew that Keith was a private person and didn’t owe to tell him every detail about his life. Shiro had to accept that, _had_ accepted it in the past. But after all he’d been through, trust didn’t come to him as easily and Keith had been acting closed off and weird lately.

Keith hissed again, louder this time. The more of the suit came off, the more Shiro could see the extent of his injuries. 

“Let me help you.” Shiro didn’t wait for Keith to say something. Instead, he immediately took the medical kit Coran had given them in his hands and rummaged around. It gave him something to do, something to focus on.. Otherwise, his anxiety might swallow him whole. _I could have lost him today._

Carefully, he took a cloth and stepped behind Keith to clean the wound on his shoulder. Keith groaned and flinched violently as soon as it made contact with his skin and Shiro used his free arm to pull him closer and against his chest. He wasn’t sure if he’d hurt him in the process or if the shiver that ran through Keith’s body was caused by their closeness. He only noticed now how long it had been since he’d had him in his arms, since there had been more than a simple touch to his shoulder.

He’d missed this. _Them_.

“Sorry,” he mumbled against Keith’s temple, not solely meaning his pain, as he continued cleaning the wound. It would scar, that much was for sure. Keith winched, but instead of flinching away, he pressed closer against the body behind him.

“Guess I deserve it.” Keith sounded tired, which might have been understandable after hours and hours of fighting.. but something was off, and Shiro felt the helplessness of the last few weeks creep back up his spine. He was walking on eggshells again, afraid to take a wrong step.

“No one deserves to be in pain.”

“Not even a Galra?”

Shiro’s hand stilled on his shoulder.

_The only way this is possible is if Galra blood runs through your veins._

The revelation had come as a surprise to him and it raised a lot of questions. Did it mean the Galra were already on Earth? What happened to Keith’s mother? But when he looked at Keith, the only questions concerning him were about his safety and well-being. It did nothing to change the way he _felt_ about Keith.

“It doesn’t matter what’s in your blood. You’re still you.”

Keith snorted, but when Shiro caught a glimpse of his face, he looked defeated. It was not a fitting look for someone who’d just went into several, unfair fights and still came out alive.

“You _are_ ,” he insisted. “This hasn’t changed you, you’ve always been like this. You’re still the same and I..” _am still in love with you_ “..like you, no matter what. You were already part Galra when we met. You just.. didn’t know.” He took a deep breath, aware that his words hadn’t been the most coherent. But he needed Keith to understand, even if words failed him.

He pulled him closer with his Galra arm, pressing him against his chest until he felt his own heartbeat against his skin.

“Besides.. you know not all Galra are evil.” Shiro’s hand moved over Keith’s heart. He could feel it racing against the Galra technology. “Ulaz, the Blade of Marmora.. they’re all fighting against Zarkon. There are a lot of good Galra, too. And I know you’re one of them.”

Keith turned around in his arms so quickly Shiro almost screamed on the behalf of his injuries. Strong arms were thrown around his neck and he was pulled down into a hug. Shiro pulled him closer, uncaring that he was smearing blood all over his clothes. Keith was alive. He had him right here in his arms, warm and pliant.

“You sure?” Keith whispered, his voice still painfully unsure.

“I am.” Shiro put his chin on Keith’s head, a tiny smile on his lips. They stayed like this for a while, just holding each other. Shiro enjoyed Keith’s warmth, inhaled his scent – though he mostly smelled like blood and sweat, it was still Keith. _He could have died today_.  
When Keith started fidgeting, Shiro let go of him, immediately inspecting the wound on his shoulder. He made a face as he realized it tore open even more.

“Let’s patch you up, ok?”

Keith nodded. He still looked worn out, but some of the tension had melted off his shoulders.  
Shiro helped him pull down most of his bodysuit so he could tend to his injuries. Bruised had painted his body in a dark violet and there were several more cuts, though none of them as deep as the one on his shoulder. Shiro tried to be gentle. Coran had instructed him on what to do. He had to clean the cuts first – that much he’d known before – and apply a balm on the ones that needed help healing. Keith was tense and bore the whole treatment with a stoic expression and Shiro could tell that he was trying to be brave.

“It’s ok, you can let go. I’ve got you.”

Shiro’s words didn’t change much, but Keith seemingly allowed himself to be a bit more vocal about the pain, lean away from the touch when it hurt too bad or lean against Shiro if he needed comfort. Shiro knew it would take some time for him to heal, the physical wounds might not being the worst problem, and he vowed to be there for him.

“All done,” he said after he’d finished bandaging his shoulder. Keith, who’d been leaning against him slightly seemed a bit reluctant to break the contact, but broke away anyway.

“I should go tell the others. They have a right to know,” he said, pulling his bodysuit back up. Shiro assisted him carefully.

“That’s up to you, Keith.”

“They’re my.. friends. I don’t want to lie to them.”

Shiro smiled at him, but he knew Keith was still afraid. 

“They won’t treat you any different, you know that, right?”

“We’ll see..” Keith sighed and began to walk towards the door.

_”Then you've chosen to be alone.”_

_The desperate call of his name hurt Shiro on an almost physical level._

Shiro still shuddered when he thought about the hologram that wore his face. Cold and distant and quick to dismiss Keith.. was that how he saw him, now? How he saw his friends?

“Keith!”

Keith turned around to look at him.

“You know that.. I care about you, right?”

“Sure,” Keith answered with a smile before turning around once more, Shiro saw the same tiredness on his face return that had lingered on his face for weeks, now


	24. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to say I'm sorry

Shiro was pacing. Allura had told them to rest and relax, but he’d been restless for a for hours now. She’d said they’d need their strength for their upcoming battle against Zarkon, but right now, Shiro needed something entirely different. He needed to find is courage.

Tomorrow might be their last battle – one way or the other. Either they defeat Zarkon or die in the process of trying. Of course, Shiro hoped for the former.. Zarkon had ruled ten thousand years too long and the amount of suffering he’d brought about the universe was unimaginable. Voltron was the only hope to put an end to all of this.. Shiro didn’t want to think about what losing would mean for the fate of millions. They _had to_ win this battle. But even if he tried to push the thought of losing as far away as possible, it just wouldn’t go away. And he knew that today might be the last chance to do something he’d put off for a very long time. He just needed to actually _do_ it.

Shiro stopped pacing and took a deep, calming breath. It was now or never. Before he could change his mind, he strode to the door and opened it. Outside of his room, he took another deep breath. _Just a few more steps_.

He fixed his eyes on Keith’s door. _Keep your eye on your target._  
He knew the door to his room would be open. Allura had strongly advised against locking them in case they were attacked. Losing time over opening a locked door could be the one fault that’d cost them their lives.  
Shiro knew he could just burst into his room, but he still knocked to announce his presence and waited for Keith to call for him to enter. Shiro forced himself inside against his nervousness.  
Keith stood up from where he’d sat on his bad, looking surprised when he saw it was Shiro. Had he waited for someone else? Shiro couldn’t have other people burst in here with what he was about to do.. He shook his head to clear it. Keith wasn’t usually the type to have other people in his room, so he might just looked surprised because it was already late. Shiro looked at him, unsure how to start but trying to not to falter from what he was about to do.

Life was short. Back in the Garrison, Shiro had thought it controllable, steady, safe. Even as a pilot going to Kerberos. But over the past year, so much had changed.. Yet when he looked at Keith, some things had stayed the same.  
Too long, Shiro had lived in the past. Had been the gladiator, the broken soldier, a toy for Zarkon. Too long he’d let it overshadow _who_ he was and what he wanted.

Life was short. Life was unpredictable. Too long he’d waited for the perfect moment when it came to Keith.

_“Can we talk when I get back?”_

_“And? Still a coward or have you at least kissed him goodbye?”_

_“I’m not the man you used to know, Keith.”_

__

“Something on your mind?” Keith looked at him, confusion still clear on his face.

There had always been an excuse not to act on his feelings. A future mission to Kerberos that would bring them nothing but heartbreak, the things he’d seen and done as Zarkon’s prisoner.. but in the end, Matt had been right all along. He was a coward, nothing more. Too scared to live in the present.  
But not anymore.

“Keith.” Shiro’s feet moved on their own accord as he took steady strides across the room. He only came to an halt when he stood right in front of Keith.. maybe he should have thought his action through before coming here, should have practised the words he wanted to say. Now, his mind was just blank.

“Are you.. ok?” Keith just looked at him, one eyebrow raised in question.

They were going to fight Zarkon, soon. There was the possibility that one or even both of them wouldn’t make it out alive. The thought of losing Keith still burned deep in his chest, images of the trials Keith was still healing from flashed right before his eyes and he pressed them close in an attempt to forcefully erase them. Life was fragile. One wrong move and it was over.

“Keith, I..” His mouth moved, but no more words came out. His shoulders tense up in frustration. _Just say it!_  
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t hear his thoughts over his own, overly loud heartbeat. No, he couldn’t talk. He couldn’t say it. Panic grabbed at his insides, making him feel lightheaded. He needed to do _something_.  
There was an urgency to it, when he reached for Keith’s hand and pulled him closer as soon he grabbed it.

“Shiro?” Keith breathed in surprise, but he didn’t struggle against Shiro’s hold on him.

“We might gonna die.” Shiro heard himself rasp. That were not the words he’d meant to say.

He let go of Keith’s hand to put his arms around his waist, pulling him even closer. There was an unreadable expression on Keith’s face. Shiro leaned down to press their foreheads together. He needed the contact, needed to _feel_ him.. It’s been so long since they’d really spend some time together, since they’d been close. He’d wasted so much of their precious time.. _Not anymore._ The only thing that mattered, now, was this moment.

Keith’s hands cautiously snaked around his shoulders, one of them getting lost in his hair. Shiro could feel a shaky breath ghost over his face. He didn’t know how to transform what he felt into words. So instead of saying something, he let his human hand wander to Keith’s chin, tilting it up a bit while leaning down at the same time..

“Keith,” he whispered one last time, his name seemingly the only thing that hadn’t escaped his vocabulary.

It wasn’t magical when their lips met. No stars, no explosions. But to Shiro, it was perfect.  
It was chaste, at first, dry chapped lips pressing on another. Shiro pulled Keith even closer, breathing him in loudly while refusing to let go. Very tentatively, Keith opened his mouth - only slightly - but it was all the invitation Shiro needed to let his tongue glide over Keith’s lips. Keith let out a low whine and pressed his body painfully close. Shiro didn’t mind. He wanted to feel him, _needed_ to feel him. It made him feel whole and human and..

Keith took a tentative step backwards, effectively pulling Shiro with him. He went willingly as long as his mouth stayed on Keith, his tongue into his mouth. He licked against his lips and Keith tried to catch his tongue with his teeth. Shiro pulled back slightly, grinning, only to dive back into the kiss when Keith let out an annoyed little whine.

He startled when Keith let himself fall back onto his back, clinging to him and therefore pulling him down on top of him. The image of the both of them sparring and Keith making the same move flashed before his eyes and he let out a surprised laugh.

“Something’s funny?” Keith asked defensively. Shiro could feel his body tensing up under him.

“I.. just remembered you doing this when we were training at the Garrison.”

Shiro could watch the guarded expression that had so suddenly appeared on Keith’s face fade away.

“Should’ve kissed you right then,” he mumbled before pulling Shiro down by his neck.

“Maybe,” Shiro whispered between kisses. Keith made another sound of agreement as his kiss became more urgent. Shiro could feel his own body pushing him forward, screaming for Keith.. but something about this didn’t feel right. Reluctantly, he pulled away slightly. Keith tried to chase his lips, what made it even harder to do this..

“Can we.. I don’t know.. talk?”

Keith looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Shiro swallowed as he stared down at him. His face, as familiar as Shiro was with him, looked different like this. _He’s beautiful_. If his eyes were violet because he was Galra..?

“What do you want to talk about?” Keith was stroking the back of his neck with his thumb and it made Shiro want to do anything than talking.

“I.. don’t know.. us?” He forced himself to say.

Keith let his head fall back down into the pillows, blinking up at Shiro. “Sure.”

Shiro swallowed nervously. What _did_ he want to talk about, though? He came here to confess, to tell Keith how he felt.. and even if he hadn’t done it with words, he thought his message had been delivered, clearly. Or had it?

“I.. really like you.”

Keith smirked at him. “That explains the kissing.” He played with a strand of Shiro’s hair. “Anything else?”

Shiro shook his head, his mind blank. Words were failing him again and he wasn’t sure there’d be a word to describe how he felt right now anyway. Finally being able to kiss Keith, to touch him was.. simply amazing. 

“Can we.. kiss again, then?” Keith asked cheekily.

Shiro chuckled. “We can try.” He leaned down to press another, gentle kiss on Keith’s lips.

“Mhm..” Keith sighed and Shiro pulled away to look at him.

“I think we are pretty good at this already.” Keith smiled. It was genuine and happy and Shiro noticed that he hadn’t seen him like this in a long time. His cowardice had caused both of them so much pain.. if only he could go back in time and kick his past self for waiting so long.

“I still think we need more practice,” he remarked with a slightly forced smile as he traced Keith’s lips with his index finger. But Keith frowned at him, immediately catching up on his inner turmoil.

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah.. I just.. I wanted to do this for a really long time, you know?”

“Why haven’t you?”

“Because.. I thought.. I wanted to wait for the right time, you know? I didn’t want to hurt you. But I think that’s exactly what I did, didn’t I?”

Keith looked at him for a few moments, his fingers ghosting through Shiro’s hair.

“You’ve been through a lot, Shiro. Don’t work yourself up over this.”

“But I _did_ hurt you.” His voice wavered.

Keith frowned. “It’s not like you’re the only one who could have made a move. I wanted to tell you before you left for Kerberos but I was too scared. And I think.. if anyone’s to blame for this is Zarkon. If he hadn’t captured you on Kerberos, things would have been a lot different.”

“You’re right,” Shiro sighed. He smiled at Keith again, although his doubt and self-loathing not entirely gone.

Keith propped himself up on his elbows, blowing soft kisses on Shiro’s jaw. He closed his eyes in contentment, enjoying the gentle treatment.

“Good thing we’re going to kick his butt tomorrow, right?” Keith whispered against his skin. “But let’s not think about this now.”

Shiro murmured his agreement as he let himself be dragged down, lying half on top of Keith. He pulled him into another, affectionate kiss, his fingers tracing Keith’s jaw before he let them wander down his neck. Keith was right. Shiro didn’t want to think about anything including the fight tomorrow. This night belonged to them.  
Cautiously, his fingers slipped under the rim of Keith’s shirt. The mere contact of his fingertips with his naked skin almost made him moan. Keith shifted under him and a rush of heat surged through Shiro’s body. He quickly pulled away.

“Keith.. maybe we shouldn’t..-”

“Yes, we should. I want to sleep with you,” Keith whispered close to his his ear and Shiro froze momentarily.

“Keith, there’s a lot of things we can do. We don’t have to go.. like.. all the way, you know?”

Keith sighed. “Shiro.. you said it yourself: we could be dead tomorrow. I don’t want to wait. To be honest.. I’m sick and tired of waiting. I’ve loved you for so long now and.. I want to do this. I want to explore all the other things, too. Just.. not tonight.”

Shiro held his breath. _I’ve loved you for so long now._ Hearing it out loud made him feel lightheaded.

“I just.. don’t want to rush things.”

That earned him a loud laugh from Keith. “ _Rush_ things? We’ve been going in slow motion since the day we met.”

Shiro chuckled. He _was_ kind of right. “I know, I know. But that doesn’t mean we have to jump into this now.”

“I mean.. If.. you don’t want to.. with me, I mean.. we don’t have to do this.” Keith slumped a bit. Shiro could see his walls building up once more.

“I do! I really.. God, I want you, trust me.” Shiro was quick to assure him.

“Then.. why wait?”

“I don’t want to.. overwhelm you.”

“Maybe I want to be overwhelmed. Shiro.. please. If you don’t want to do this, fine. I won’t push you. But _I_ want this. I don’t want to wait, I don’t want to go slow. Don’t do this on my behalf.. We might only have.. this night.” Keith looked away and Shiro stared at him. Keith had never been patient, had a tendency to rush into things. But he never rushed in unprepared, he always knew what he wanted and what he was doing. He was also right that this might be their first and last night together..

“Ok,” Shiro said, pressing a kiss on his cheek. “Then.. how do you..-“

“You have.. done this before, right?” Keith interrupted him.

Shiro nodded.

“Good. Then I want you to top. At least this way one of us knows what he’s doing.”

Shiro chuckled. “Are you sure?”

Keith nodded. “Yes.”

Shiro leaned down to kiss him again. “Well.. then we only have one more problem.”

“What?”

“I don’t have condoms or lube.”

Keith let out a groan that turned quickly into a laugh. “Seriously? I.. Shiro! We could die tomorrow and you think about safer sex? I’ve… never done this before so I’m pretty sure I’m ok. And I think they checked you thoroughly before Kerberos, right?”

Shiro grinned thoughtfully. “Ok, ok. But that still doesn’t solve the lube problem. I won’t do anything without, Keith. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Keith seemed to think about that for a moment. “What about the balm Coran gave me? The one to keep the skin on my shoulder smooth.”

“Mhh.. that could work. Where is it?”

“In my pocket.” Keith pointed at the jacket hanging by the door.

Shiro pecked his nose before pushing himself up to get the balm. Keith chuckled and hit at his arm playfully. He shivered against the cold air hitting his heated skin. His fingers were shaking when he inspected the balm.. but it would fit their purpose. Going back to the bed he tried to push the thought of Coran finding out about this away.

“And?” Keith questioned from where he sat propped up on the bed.

“I think we can use this.”

“Great!”

Shiro smiled at Keith’s enthusiasm. He was eager, too, but tried to tone it down a bit to not lose control. Slowly, he leaned down, kissing Keith as soon as he was in reach. He could feel him smile against his lips, as he wrapped his arms around him firmly once more. Shiro pushed forward and Keith let himself slowly sink back until his back touched the mattress again. Shiro followed, careful not to put too much of his weight on the body beneath him. Keith bared his throat when Shiro started kissing down his jaw, sighed when he nipped at the sensitive flesh there and blew air over the wet patches he’d just left. Keith shivered and wriggled under him. He felt Keith tugging at his shirt, trying to get underneath the fabric. The contact of his hands on Shiro’s bare skin when he succeeded tore at his self-control. He’d waited so long for this..  
He shifted his weight once more so he could use one of his hands to match up to Keith. When it disappeared under his shirt, Keith flinched.

“Everything ok?” Shiro asked, ready to pull back his hand.

“Yeah.. just.. sensitive, I guess.”

“Sensitive or ticklish?” Shiro wore an evil smile as he let his hand wander over his belly. Keith barked a laugh and flinched even harder.

“Don’t!” He tried, but Shiro stopped his complains with a fiery kiss. Keith’s squirming stopped, when Shiro’s fingers found one of his nipple, carefully playing with it. He gasped into the kiss. But Shiro didn’t just want to blindly feel his body.. it wasn’t enough.  
He struggled out of Keith’s death grip and pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“What..-“ Keith started to complain again, but stopped as soon as Shiro pulled his shirt over his head. He could practically feel his eyes moving over his skin. He tried not to get too self-conscious. He’d often stared at himself in the mirror.. he knew there were a lot of scares.. but he wasn’t afraid of Keith’s looks. He knew he wouldn’t judge.

“You’re turn,” Shiro rasped, pulling Keith up by his hands so he could get out of his shirt as well. His eyes darted to Keith’s shoulders. He wasn’t the only one with scars anymore.. after the trials, it was just another thing they shared.

“Pants,” Keith demanded and Shiro could only laugh.

“Eager, aren’t we?”

Keith just shot him a playful glare. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this?”

“Huh-uh,” Shiro responded equally playful.

“So get on with it!”

Shiro laughed, but otherwise complied. He made short work of his belt and pulled his pants and underwear from his hips. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Keith swallowing.

“You’re turn,” Shiro repeated.

“Help me?”

He nodded, already pressing Keith back onto the bed with a hand on his chest. Together they had Keith naked in no time, and Shiro took a short moment to marvel at his beauty before he lay next to him.

“You’re beautiful,” Keith informed him breathlessly and Shiro couldn’t help but smile. He was one to talk.

“So are you,” he answered honestly. He let his hands roam over Keith’s naked skin, trying to find out which spots were the most sensitive. He leaned down to follow his fingers with his tongue, licking at the area around his navel and stroking his sides. Keith just lay there, breathing more heavily with every second Shiro went on with his gentle caress. Apart from the way his hands tore at Shiro’s hair from time to time, he didn’t move.  
Shiro already knew that this would be one of his favourite things to do.. showering Keith with all the love and tenderness he deserved. He could have gone like this forever, but his body screamed for more.  
Slowly, he slipped back on top of Keith, only repositioned himself slightly when Keith squirmed. A part of him was still afraid to crush him with his weight, but Keith only used their new position to wrap his legs around his hips. It was a bold move, fitting for someone like Keith and Shiro’s mouth escaped a breathy moan once their crotches were pressed together. Tentatively, he rolled his hips. The action immediately shot a wave of electricity through his body. There was nothing he could have done to suppress his groan, his arms giving out. Keith didn’t seem to mind his weight all too much.

“Shiro.. I..” he cleared his throat. “Could you please get on with it? I’m not sure I’m gonna last that long..”

Shiro didn’t feel able to talk, so he just nodded. Keith let his legs slip from around his hips immediately when he attempted to sit up. His whole body was shaking.. Keith on the other hand, appeared surprisingly calm. He was also the one who took the balm from where it lay next to him and handed it to Shiro.

This wasn’t the first time he was doing this but his nervousness was worse than ever before. The balm on his fingers was cold and Shiro tried his best to warm it up a bit before doing anything. He used the time to let his free hand carefully wander over Keith’s stomach and chest. His skin was fever-hot and smooth, the muscle underneath firm and taunt. Their breathing was the only sound filling the room aside from a few occasional gasps..

“Shiro..” Keith broke the silence and Shiro took a shuddering breath.

“When you want to stop, we can stop. At any given time,” he said and leaned down to place a soft kiss on Keith’s forehead, his hand caressing his thigh.

“I don’t want to stop,” Keith answered, his voice sounded raw, breathless.

“Still,” Shiro smiled. “And please let me know if it hurts..”

Keith nodded a little tensely. “Ok..”

His breath hitched when Keith opened his legs a bit wider, making room for him. His nervousness peaked. Carefully, with one hand still caressing Keith’s thigh, Shiro let his finger glide between his cheeks, circling his entrance. He tried to get as much of their ‘lube’ on him, before he held his breath and pushed one of his fingers inside.  
Keith’s legs twitched, but otherwise he remained still.

“Everything ok?” Shiro asked.

“Yeah.. it’s just.. a bit weird.”

“Tell me if you want be to st-“

“Just get on with it!” Keith laughed. Shiro found himself relax a bit at the sound. He pushed his finger deeper, trying to keep an eye on Keith’s reaction. The nervousness was obvious on his face, now, but he didn’t show any signs of discomfort.. After some time, when he felt the resistance of the body around him lessen, Shiro added another finger. It didn’t take Keith long before he grew impatient again. When he curled his finger inside of him, Keith went rigid and moaned in pleasure.

“Shiro, please,” he begged a bit desperately, throwing his arm over his eyes. “I.. just.. _please_.”

Shiro hesitated for a moment.. but another look at Keith confirmed that he was probably indeed ready.

“Ok, ok..” He put a bit more of the balm and used his hand to rub it over his cock. With Keith in front of him, aroused and looking the way he did, touching himself was dangerous. He knew it wouldn’t take him long, either..

Keith reached for him with his hands and Shiro let himself be pulled down. His heart was threatening to hammer its way out of his chest and Keith wasn’t faring any better. He closed his eyes when Shiro kissed him fiercely..

Shiro sighed, which turned into a moan only seconds later when Keith pressed up against him. His bare skin was covering every inch of him, their erections pressed together between their bodies.

“ _Please_ ,” Keith begged again, even more impatiently, and kissed Shiro’s jaw. Their height difference became apparent when they lay like this.. Shiro towered over him by a few inches and Keith had trouble kissing him properly. Sensing his frustration, Shiro leaned down to kiss him, his tongue hot inside his mouth as he lined himself up with his entrance. Despite his preparation, he could feel the tight muscle resisting when he slowly pushed inside. Keith tensed slightly and Shiro peppered kisses along his jaw and neck. He trusted that he’d tell him when it got too much. Keith felt hot around him, soft and tight.. and Shiro had to restrain himself not to go too fast.

Once he was fully inside him, he stilled and took a look at Keith’s face. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes glassy.. but he was smiling.

“Everything alright?” He _needed_ to know, needed to hear him say it.

“Yes, _sir,_ ” Keith almost purred with a wicked grin.

Shiro grimaced. “Don’t make it weird.”

Keith’s responding laugh was drowned out by a long moan when Shiro started to move. Very slowly, carefully at first, but soon Keith’s shameless little moans urged him forward. There was something primal kicking in. Suddenly, Shiro’s blood _stung_ , setting his whole body on fire. He was panting, speeding up his rhythm. There was too much of everything. Too much delicious friction, too much sounds, the smell of their sweat was overloading his system. His hands were on Keith. Touching, fingernails scratching over skin, desperate to hold onto something. Shiro closed his eyes to give himself fully over to the sensation. He leaned down to kiss Keith feverishly, the low whine he heard once he pulled away vibrated through his head. He was sure Keith’s fingernails on his back were leaving new scars, but he didn’t care. It would be a reminder of their time, for once a memory Shiro wanted to cherish. Shiro didn’t want him to stop, didn’t want to lose the feeling, the tingling of his skin, the tension that was slowly building inside of him.. But he knew his body’s limits and he knew he was speeding to the end of this.

Keith answered his thrusts with little moves of his own, pushing back, pulling Shiro closer.. Their bodies moving together perfectly.  
Shiro had stopped thinking some time ago. His world had completely narrowed down to Keith, to _them_. He wasn’t sure anymore where his body started and Keith’s began.. it didn’t matter anymore. He was about to completely lose control over everything he’d hold on to for the last year. There was nothing else, only this pushing _need_ inside of him..

When he felt Keith clenching around him, he shifted his weight so he could wrap one hand around his cock, pumping in rhythm with his thrusts. Keith screamed in pleasure. It only took a few more seconds for him to spill over Shiro’s hand, his body tightening around him.. and Shiro followed soon after in a white-hot wave of pure bliss, collapsing on top of Keith.

It took him a moment to come back to his senses. He shivered at the kisses Keith left on his neck, the feeling of his hands lazily roaming over his back.  
He hadn’t been this happy in.. he didn’t remember, didn’t _care_ to remember.

With the last of his strength, he rolled himself off Keith, immediately pulling him close once he’d quickly cleaned them off with his discarded shirt. Keith buried his face in the crook of his neck, sighing contently.

“Well..” Shiro chuckled breathlessly. “That.. wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I came here.”

“I don’t care. I’m glad you _came here_.” Keith grinned at him suggestively.

“Naughty!” Shiro laughed.

Keith grinned at him, before he grew more serious. “Do you regret it?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Good.” Keith nodded and snuggled closer. “Why did you come here, though?”

“I mean.. I wanted to tell you how I feel. I just didn’t expect us to have sex.”

“Well, mission accomplished. And.. I guess I’m full of surprises.”

“You are.” Shiro put his arms around him and pressed him closer until Keith protested and gasped for air.

“When all this is over.. do you really want to look for your family?”

“If we make it out alive? Yeah.. I guess so. I’d like to.. help Pidge first, though.”

Shiro took one of his hands, pulled it up to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. “Me, too.”

“I kind of miss Matt.”

“We’ll find him,” Shiro said with conviction. “He’ll freak out once he finds out about us.” He chuckled at the thought.

“Why?”

“He kind of tried to.. wingman us.” Shiro laughed as Keith’s eyebrows disappeared under his hairline.

“Yes, it’s true. You know.. the day we left for Kerberos he asked me if I kissed you. He called me a coward when I said I didn’t. And.. well.. He was right. I _was_ a coward. And we’ve wasted so much time.. and I.. I was so afraid to lose you again when you shut me out before we went to see the Blade of Marmora.”

“I.. didn’t know how you’d react.. to me being Galra, I mean. They’ve done so much to you.. and,, I was scared to lose you, too.”

“How did you find out?”

“I saw that Ulaz had the same blade. It.. well.. there were only so many explanations. You know I never knew my mum..”

Shiro pulled him closer and pressed a kiss on top of his head. “I’m sorry.. If I hadn’t been such a coward, maybe you would have felt like you could talk to me about it.”

Keith shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe. It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you’re here, now.” He sighed loudly. “I wish we could stay like this forever.”

“When all this is over.. maybe we should take a few days off and just.. I don’t know.. spend some time together?”

“I’d like that.” Shiro could feel Keith’s smile against his skin.

“Are we going to tell the team tomorrow?”

Keith hesitated. “Let’s wait until after we defeat Zarkon.”

“Are you scared for their reaction?”

“I’m scared that Lance might explode.”

Shiro barked a laugh. “You’re right. We can’t risk that.”

A comfortable silence settled over them after that. They just lay there, holding each over, hands caressing lazily but without any intent for more. Shiro felt his eyelids grow heavy. Next to him, Keith tried to stifle a yawn.

“We should try to sleep.”

“I don’t want to..”

“Me neither. But we have an important battle ahead of us. We should get some rest.”  
Keith sighed. “I know you’re right.”

Shiro chuckled and pressed another kiss on his forehead. He didn’t want to sleep, but his body had a different take on that matter.

“I love you,” Keith breathed against his chest and Shiro felt a comfortable warmth settle in his stomach.

“I love you, too.” And he knew it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean.. at least it was a long chapter, right?
> 
> thank you so much for all the nice comments <3 you're all amazing! I was kind of overwhelmed when I logged in and had all those messages in my inbox. I'll reply t all of them, I'm just not sure I get to do it today (my internet is shitty and I'm really really tired)


	25. Promise

_Keith sighed against Shiro’s soft and warm lips._

_“I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered. There was too much to say, too much to discover to go back to their lives just now. But the universe needed them. And Keith knew it would be selfish to let it wait. Every lost second meant lost lives.. They had to go._

_“I don’t want to go,” Shiro whispered back, pulling him close one last time. “But we have to do the right thing.”_

_Keith pressed their foreheads together. “I love you.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

__

_”This is our last chance! Let’s finish this!”_

Silence.

The black lion’s cockpit was empty and Keith was staring at nothing. He’d been sitting here for hours, at usual. The last words he’d heard Shiro say echoed in his mind over and over again, occasionally drowned out by the screams of pain right before they’d defeated Zarkon. 

How could this be happening? They’d won.. 

Keith was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of triumphs that didn’t feel like it. They’d worked Voltron’s sword together. Shiro had set it aflame, Keith had moved it, the two of them working as the perfect unit. Everything had went so well, their sword had torn Zarkon apart and then.. _What had happened?_ Keith still couldn’t wrap his mind around it.. 

He felt cold, alone. Black was silent and offered no answers, no comfort. 

The first time Keith had been alone in her cockpit, he’d been screaming and yelling at her before breaking down on the floor sobbing. He’d lain there for hours, shaking, crying.. There were no tears left, now. 

The first few days they’d all been out in their lion, searching all over the universe. But one after another, they’d stopped, taking on other missions. Until Keith was the last of them, refusing to do anything else. They said universe needed Voltron. But to Keith, Voltron was dead. It died the day Shiro disappeared.

It had been months. And everyone else was slowly moving on.

“I’m going to find you.” His voice was no more than a broken whisper. His hands shook as he carefully ran his fingers over the black lion’s seat. Shiro’d been _here_. He pressed his eyes close and took a deep breath. Breathing was painful, his chest way too tight. 

“I’m going to find you.” He repeated. It had become a mantra over the last few weeks. As long as the others were around him, it was something he said only in his head. Now, he could speak freely. There was no one here but the black lion, and Keith was sure it was longing for its paladin, too. 

With a sigh, Keith got up from the seat, his body heavy. He needed to do something or else he’d lose his mind. He knew he should get some sleep, but sleeping in the bed they’d shared a night in was one of the hardest things Keith had do to and far from relaxing. Especially because he had to admit that it had stopped _smelling of Shiro_ and he was once again alone with the ghost of his memory.

***

The clash of metal again metal rang loudly through the training room. Keith had lost track of time, his body moving without thinking. His muscles screamed at him to stop, but he’d chosen to ignore that days ago.  
It was the only thing he could do to stop himself from thinking about Shiro, worrying about him. Where was he? What’s happening to him? Was he in pain?  
He refused to think about the possibility of Shiro being dead. If he was, finding him probably wouldn’t prove that hard. But maybe that was just something he was telling himself to feel better, to be able to go on at all.

He grunted at the impact of another hit. His tired body not reacting the way he was used to. He was too slow and he lacked strength.. This session was about to turn more into a beating than a training. 

_‘Good’,_ Keith thought. At least this way he was going to hurt all over, which would either make him more miserable or gave him some distraction. Either was fine with him. 

One of the bots had managed to sneak up behind him and gave him a good kick to the back. Keith flew a short distance before crashing to the floor, his reflexes failing to break the worst of his fall. He panted, trying to push himself up, but his arms gave out from under him, not supporting his weight anymore. He let himself sink down, watching the bot gaining on him impassively.. _Good._

“End training session!” 

The bot disappeared mid-strike and Keith stared at the empty space in front of him before slowly turning his head to search for the person who’d barked the high-pitched order. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Lance stomped into his visual field, his voice taking on an almost hysteric quality. 

Keith closed his eyes, ignoring him. 

“Hello-ho? I just saved your life!”

“I can handle myself,” Keith slurred. 

“Oh yes, or course. You were managing to get yourself killed just fine.”

With great effort, Keith opened his eyes again to glare at Lance, who stood right in front of him, arms akimbo. 

“I had it under control.”

Lance snorted, letting his arms relax at his side. 

“You should get some rest, you know?” 

Keith huffed. This situation was ridiculous. He never wanted the others to see him like this. At least in the dessert, no one had been there to witness his breakdown. He would give a lot to be alone right now.

“Come on, let me help you up. I’ll bring you back to your room” 

Keith swatted away Lance’s hand. “I don’t want to rest. I have to get to my lion.”

“Keith..” Lance kneed down in front of him, his voice firm. “You need to rest. You are in no condition to go out. You need to get some rest. _Now_.”

Keith pressed his eyes close. He knew Lance was right. The exhaustion would get to him sooner rather than late and he had no spark of resistance left to fight him. There was no use in acting strong, anyway. He was sprawled out on the floor, not even able to get up on his own anymore.. 

“Ok..” He hated how small his voice sounded, but Lance didn’t comment on it. Instead he pulled him up without another word until he was standing on his own wobbly legs. 

“Don’t need no help, huh?” Lance mumbled as he pulled Keith’s arm over his shoulder to support him. Keith wanted to say something snarky, but his mind was blank. Standing upright took up all the strength he’d left. In silence, the left the training room and walked down the hall towards their quarters.  
It was a slow walk, Keith was at first trying not to put too much of his weight on Lance, but the further they went, the more he needed to rely on his help. He was glad the other paladins were nowhere to be seen. He wondered how late it was.. it was hard to tell if you were only surrounded by space without the rise of a sun. 

“Almost there,” Lance said when Keith’s room came into view. Keith only grunted. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was grateful that Lance was doing this for him. There had been a lot of quarrelling between them, Keith had never failed to rise to Lance’s bait or vice versa. Still.. they’d become a team over time and he was glad Lance was there, now.  
He let himself be led into his own room and accepted Lance’s help to sit down on his bed. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled. He dreaded to lie down on this bed. Every time he lay in it, it felt cold and empty. They’d only had this one night.. 

 

“It’s alright.” Lance scratched the back of his neck a bit nervously. “Can I ask you something?” 

Keith shrugged his shoulders, not even looking up at him. Knowing Lance, he’d probably ask anyway.. 

“Good. Cool.. I was just wondering.. You know we all want to find Shiro and.. you haven’t been yourself since the battle. Sure, you guys knew each other longer than the rest of us but.. I think we’re all friends now, right? So.. like I said.. I was wondering.. I mean.. there were all these rumours at the Garrison and.. yeah..,” he rambled. 

Keith knew what he was getting at. Yes, this had been going on since the Garrison, but they’d only so recently allowed themselves to be happy together.. only to be brutally ripped apart _hours_ later. No, he couldn’t talk about it.  
He pressed his eyes close in an attempt to hold back the tears, but again, it was not a battle he could only lose. 

“Whoa, Keith,” Lance sat down next to him, patting his back a bit awkwardly. It did nothing to stop the tears, quite the contrary. Keith cried silently, to stubborn to let his walls down completely. Lance just stayed next to him, just as silent, but his presence still some kind of comfort. He didn’t look at him, which Keith was grateful for. At least it let him pretend there was some of his dignity left.  
When no new tears came, Lance glanced at Keith sideways. 

“Do you need something?” he asked cautiously. 

Keith shook his head. “Just.. some sleep.” His voice still wavered. 

“Do you.. want me to stay?”

He snorted. “No.. I’m good.” 

Lance smiled at him and got up from the bed. “Good. ‘Cause it’s pretty late and I need my beauty sleep.” He took a few steps towards the door. “Oh.. and Keith?” Keith looked up at him with red eyes. “Your secret’s safe with me.” 

“Hey, Lance,” Keith called after him right before he was out the door. “Thank you.”

***

They still got into their quarrels, still clashed occasionally when Keith decided to interact with the group and not keep to himself, but some things had changed. He noticed that Lance would always knock on his door and refused to go away until he got out when it was time for dinner. He also noticed that Lance regularly checked in on him during his training sessions and sometimes even took his time to train with him. Usually, they wouldn’t take much.. but Keith didn’t mind. He preferred the silence over inane chit-chat.

Life in the castle moved on around them. Pidge was searching for Matt and her dad, Hunk and Lance were going on missions, and Coran and Allura talked to important people to form new alliances. 

Keith, though, was still going out every day to look for Shiro. He’d never stop looking. Right now, sitting in the cockpit of the red lion, he balls his hands into fists, his eyes trained on the debris before him. 

“I’m going to find you,” he promised with conviction. It was as much a promise to Shiro as it was a promise to himself. Keith wasn’t going to let the Galra take another person he loved. He wasn’t going to give up on Shiro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos! I had so much fun writing this story and talking to some of you. I'm sad that it's over now and I'm thinking about writing a second part for this, either going alone with the next two seasons or.. well, not ;) so, if you want to send me some prompts for this, it would be very appreciated. you can let me know in the comments what you think about this or talk to me on tumblr (darkjellyfishpoetry.tumblr.com) - I don't bite, I'm a jellyfish

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! kudos and comments are more than welcome :)  
> English is not my first language so if you find any reoccurring mistakes, please let me know.


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